Dear Eric: My good friend has been with her boyfriend for more than 20 years. She finally moved into his house after her mom died a year and a half ago. They attend each other’s family events – weddings, funerals, birthdays, sports events, work parties – and he tells her he loves her.
He’s had every detail of his future wedding already planned out, including who the groomsmen will be and where he wants to get married. Unfortunately, after every holiday or special event, there’s never an engagement ring for my friend. His girlfriend before my friend was a thinner blonde who dumped him.
After more than 20 years, do you think he’ll ever propose and get married to my friend?
– Bridesmaid-in-Waiting
Dear Bridesmaid: Sure, it’s possible. It’ll be even more likely to happen if your friend and her boyfriend have an honest, frank conversation about their wants and the details of their individual timetables.
While it might seem obvious that, after 20 years, he should want to propose, especially considering he’s already designed a dream wedding, the only way to find out what he’s really thinking is talking to him about it. This is also the only way for your friend to let him know what she’s thinking.
Often in long-term relationships, we start to assume our partners have enough data to be mind readers. And sometimes, too, we assume we know every neuron firing in the head resting on the opposite pillow. But, of course, that’s not fully true.
Even if someone wants to have a surprise proposal, and all the fanfare that that entails, it’s crucial for the health of the relationship to keep lines of communication open.
Dear Eric: I’ve heard, informally, that my nieces and nephews have collectively decided that the entire family (including me) will gather for the college graduation of one of my great-nephews in May. I wasn’t involved in that decision, but that’s OK. It’s not my child or event. (I don’t have children.) I am also the only living uncle.
I have no interest in going. These family events involve so many people; it is difficult to spend any meaningful time with anyone. In addition, it’s on the other side of the country, and the graduate-to-be and I have never been close. He has barely spoken to me at other gatherings and has never acknowledged the (cash) gifts I have sent over the years for birthdays, Christmas or his high school graduation. Although that seems to be the rule anymore, and not the exception.
This will be the first of such graduations that will happen almost yearly for some time. Not to mention the eventual weddings.
The dilemma is, if I skip one or two but go to others, there will likely be hard feelings among relatives. And if I go to this one (reluctantly), am I obligated to go to all of them?
Fortunately, it’s not a financial burden. And I’m retired, so time is not an issue. But it feels more like a root canal appointment than a good time.
I feel like there is no “everyone happy” scenario here. Am I missing a solution?
– Go or No
Dear Go or No: If you don’t want to go, don’t go and tell them the dates just don’t work out for you. You don’t have to make up a fictional vacation or some other elaborate excuse. But you have your own life, schedule and priorities and it’s true that this event does not fit into those.
By addressing this head-on and early, you also have the opportunity to send your well wishes, and a gift if you so desire. You also have the opportunity to set a precedent that’s fair and that works for you. That precedent: you’ll come when you can. There’s nothing stopping you from making the upcoming milestones feel special for your great-nieces and great-nephews in a way that’s specific to you, your relationship and your capacity.
To your point that there may be hard feelings: everyone’s feelings are their responsibility. If you’re upfront with your relatives and make a good faith effort to honor the celebrants, you don’t have anything to feel bad about.
Dear Eric: In response to “Grieving Granddad’s” letter regarding the loss of his longtime dog companion, thank you so much for recommending adopting an older dog. I would also add that he, or anyone who isn’t sure about a fur-ever commitment but wants dog(s) in their lives, might consider dog foster care.
– Foster Dog Parent
Dear Foster: A great suggestion. Another note that came up in the responses to this question is that everyone, of any age, should make sure that there are plans in place for a friend or relative to take care of the dog if the owner is incapacitated or dies.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)