Dear Eric: My oldest sister recently lost her husband of 40 years. He had health issues, but his death six months ago was unexpected. They had no children. They moved away from our hometown many years ago and made a very happy life together.
My other siblings and I still live in our hometown and have always gathered on Christmas Eve with our families. We would love our sister to come “home” to be with the family this year, as it will be the first Christmas our sister will be alone. However, she is resistant.
She is not used to traveling (especially during the busy holiday season) and is not altogether comfortable navigating the airport, although the airport in her city is very efficient, and signage makes navigation easy. It’s a brief flight from her city to our hometown.
I’m torn between respecting her feelings of discomfort and being heartbroken at the thought of her spending Christmas alone. She does have many friends, but I don’t know if any of them might extend an invitation to her to join their celebrations.
Yes, we have considered flying to her city to be with her, but then we sacrifice our Christmas Eve tradition with our own families. Is that selfish? We just want to do the right thing, and I need some perspective.
– Family Conundrum
Dear Conundrum: Though this will be published quite close to the holiday, I hope it’s not too late to include your sister in your plans. Travel to her, full stop. Traditions are important, but they’re only as meaningful as the people who participate. So, your tradition can withstand switching or splitting into separate events for a year, or a couple of years.
Surely, it’s not feasible for everyone to pick up their families and go visit your sister, but if one or two of you can see her this year, think of how impactful that will be. Another option is to preserve the Christmas Eve tradition and fly to see her afterward, thereby creating a new tradition.
The most important thing is that the tradition continues to serve the needs of the people who uphold it. If it doesn’t, it’s time to change. Ask her what would be helpful and make your plan together.
Dear Eric: I’ve been friends with “Mikey” since we were about 9 years old. We are now 61. We grew up in the same neighborhood as kids, have moved around but still live in the same small town.
Over the years I’ve noticed the only time I’d see Mikey was when I’d drive to his house or see him at local flea markets. I’ve asked him to have lunch, go fishing, or hang out with me and it was always some excuse as to why he couldn’t make it.
I purposely stepped back from going to see him and it was over a year before he reached out via text to ask why he hadn’t seen me. So, I replied via text and stated the above and that I was hoping for more from what I viewed as a one-sided friendship. I also stated how difficult this was to write, that I thought about him often, loved him and that he’d always be my friend.
It’s been over a week and I’ve received no reply. I don’t know what to make of this. Any insight is appreciated.
– Missing My Friend
Dear Friend: Good for you for asking for what you need. So often, in friendships and other relationships, we fear that talking about what isn’t working, or making respectful asks for change will repel people, when in reality it makes space for a closer bond.
I know it doesn’t seem like it in the case of your friendship with Mikey. But by pointing out that something isn’t working for you, you’ve made fixing it easier. Mikey has to participate, too, though.
It’s possible that he saw your friendship differently. Maybe he’s more of a homebody and declined invitations to hang out because of social discomfort. And maybe he’d grown comfortable with the pattern of you reaching out and feels surprised at your response. It’s not for me to say, and the feelings are his responsibility to negotiate. One of the benefits of friendship, of course, is that he could share them with you and you could talk it out.
If you miss him and you want to keep the connection going, you may have to continue taking on more responsibility in the friendship. Try reaching out by phone; ask if he’ll let you come over. Start the conversation from a neutral, open place – you value your friendship and you want to feel valued. Hearing it rather than reading it may help the message come across more clearly. Then you and Mikey can start again.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)