Dear Eric: My boyfriend and I have been together for more than 15 years. He has children and grandchildren. One child is a divorced, single parent with two teenage kids and one younger. My boyfriend has to be there with them whenever the parent works. And after work, instead of going home, the parent decides to “go out” knowing my boyfriend will be there.
He and I have to schedule our time to go out and have fun around the parent’s work schedule.
I realize that he may have certain obligations, but he and I need a social life and should not have to depend on his child’s schedule all the time.
I never feel first, ever! We are both retired and should be able to spend the last few years of life enjoying ourselves, not on someone else’s schedule.
I was a single mom years ago and managed my children and work/social calendar on the support of my own, finding sitters, et cetera. Guess times have changed. Helping out is wonderful but taking advantage is another. Any ideas?
– Sitter Situation
Dear Sitter: After 15 years together, I’d be surprised if this difference of opinion hasn’t come up. But even so, it’s useful to have a calm conversation about schedule. You might want to go in with some specific asks. “I’d like to go out on Fridays. Can we make that a regular night on which you’re not available to babysit?” He may agree, he may not – both are opportunities to continue the conversation by compromising and asking questions.
The biggest question is whether he sees a social life as an important part of your relationship. If babysitting is something that he enjoys and doesn’t want to change, then the conversation can shift to ways that you both can get your needs met.
You want to feel first, which is a fine way to feel. But it may not feel the way you think it will. The needs of family are going to be different from the needs of a love relationship; the needs of children/teens are going to be different from the needs of adults. It may not be fair to ask him to choose you over his grandchildren, but it is fair to tell him you want to feel like your relationship is a priority and talk through concrete actions that communicate prioritization to you. This also gives him a chance to talk about what his priorities are. Ideally, these conversations will help you to see each other more clearly and know how to show each other love more effectively.
Dear Eric: Currently I am living with my significant other at his son’s apartment. We pay rent and have our own room. His son is 36 years old, divorced with no kids. He is a pleasant guy and seems responsible.
Last night, he let the daughter of a friend stay over and she slept on a bed in his room. She is 12 or 13 years old. I am horrified. I don’t believe that anything inappropriate is going on, but this is still inappropriate on so many levels.
I am a retired criminal defense attorney, and I also was an ADA in juvenile court. I have seen just how badly this can go.
All she has to do is get upset about something and make an accusation and he is toast. He works in maintenance for the local school district. Job lost, no getting it back. Friendship done, not getting it back and a question mark hanging over his head constantly. People will always have a little suspicion about him.
My question is, do I talk to him? He’s not my son and he hasn’t asked. I’m afraid I would just offend him, and he’d kick us out. But this is just not appropriate. And honestly, I’m surprised her parents are OK with this. What are your thoughts?
– In a Quandary
Dear Quandary: This raises a lot of concerns for me, too. For the child and the adult, it’s perplexing at best, harmful at worst. Talk to him about it for two reasons. First, even though you’re a guest in his home, you’re still entitled to bring up things that make you uncomfortable. This is a shared space and his choices about this shared space alarmed you. At the very least, he can answer those questions so that everyone can peacefully coexist.
The second reason is your professional experience. He may not be seeing what you’re seeing. And even though he may not agree with your take, you’re not accusing him of anything or telling him what to do. You’re sharing an informed perspective. Even at its most innocent, this choice that your partner’s son made indicates that there’s a need for more communication in the home.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)