Dear Anna,
I’m 24 and recently started seeing a guy I’ve had a crush on for six months. We finally went on two dates and both went incredibly well. He was affectionate, introduced me to his friends, cooked me dinner, even cleared a little space on his bathroom shelf for my toothbrush. It all felt very sweet and intentional, and I left his place thinking this might actually be the start of something real.
But the next morning, while he was checking his calendar, I accidentally saw an entry labeled “coffee w/ Hinge date.” He didn’t notice me noticing, and I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know how to react. I tried to tell myself it was probably planned before we started going out, but it still left a knot in my stomach.
Later that day he texted me normally, right up until about 9 p.m., when he suddenly stopped. No explanation, no goodnight, nothing. Now it’s the middle of the night, and I’m wide awake imagining him being just as charming and affectionate with someone else. I’m confused and honestly a little hurt. How can someone act so warm and connected one minute, and then casually keep other dates on the books the next? I’m new to dating after a long relationship, and I don’t know if this is just how things go now or if it’s a red flag. Is this normal behavior in early dating, or am I missing something? — Suddenly All Guessing
Dear SAG,
Oh, kitten. I promise I’m not being patronizing when I say this, but genuinely: Welcome to modern dating. Because you’ve just stumbled into one of its most common realities.
In short, yes. In this year of our lord “KPop Demon Hunters,” someone can indeed tenderly woo you with a spare shelf and also have a cappuccino scheduled with a stranger from the internet.
This is extremely normal.
Painful? Occasionally. Jarring? Sure. But in early dating, and I mean very early, as in “two dates” early, most people are still seeing other people. Not because they’re villains or players, but because they don’t yet know what they don’t know. You two are still strangers with chemistry, which is intoxicating but not the same as compatibility. At least, not yet.
You’ve built a crush over six months; he’s had about 10 days to catch up. Those timelines don’t match, which is why your heart feels like it’s sprinting while he’s strolling.
Here’s what’s happening: He didn’t decide he wanted someone else instead of you. He just didn’t yet decide he wanted someone instead of anyone at all. And that’s allowed at this stage.
But! That doesn’t mean you need to sit there suffering in silence while your mind fills in the blanks with your darkest interpretations.
So let’s talk about what you actually can control: clarity.
If you’ve been sexually intimate, you have every right to know whether he’s being sexually intimate with other people. That’s not jealousy or control; that’s responsible adulthood. And if you haven’t been intimate yet, clarity is still the antidote.
This doesn’t require a confrontation or a “define-the-relationship” summit. (Please don’t!) It’s simply a check-in — two humans comparing notes about where they are and what they’re open to. You can tell him, calmly and without accusation, that you saw a reminder for another date and it brought up questions for you. Not because you’re demanding exclusivity after two dates, but because honesty helps you decide what feels safe and comfortable. That’s it.
And here’s something else you should know. Even if he does want to enter into an exclusive arrangement with you and your toothbrush, I would still encourage you to wait, not because I want you to be miserable, but because I want you to apply perspective. You need more time before deciding how invested to be.
I normally cringe at timelines for exclusivity — because they’re dumb! Fight me! — but I do think you should pause and slow your roll a bit. Date him, get to know him. See how he shows up over the next few weeks. Hell, see how you show up over the next few weeks.
And honestly? You should think about going on a couple of dates yourself. Not as revenge or as a power move. But because it will remind your nervous system that this one man is not the entire emotional stock market. Dating around, especially early on, keeps your feet on the ground. It helps you stay curious instead of attached to a fantasy. It gives you more data than the two glittering nights you’ve shared with him.
Because at the end of the day, you do not know him yet. You know two lovely dates, some hand-holding, and that he keeps a tidy bathroom shelf. You don’t know how he handles stress, conflict, boredom, desire, disappointment, responsibility, illness, vulnerability, disappointment or power dynamics. You don’t know if he’s reliable. You don’t know if he shuts down when things get real. You don’t know if he’s kind or just performative.
So before you cast him as The One, maybe remember: he’s also The One You’ve Only Hung Out With Twice.
If dating around isn’t your style, that’s completely fine. Not everyone wants a rotation. But in that case, the bare minimum is still to ask for clarity. Ask gently and listen to the answer not as a promise or a condemnation, but as information. And if the version of non-monogamy he’s practicing — the “everyone keeps dating until someone says stop” version — doesn’t feel good for you, you’re allowed to step back or redirect that enormous, beautiful crush energy toward someone who can actually meet you where you are.
Either way, take a breath and remember that your feelings are valid, but this situation is not a referendum on your worth or your future. This is one guy. One early-stage connection. Nothing more. You’re not losing a soulmate — you’re getting clarity. And clarity, even when it stings, is a gift.