Dear Eric: I send birthday and Christmas gifts to my great-niece (8) and great-nephew (3) who live in another country. I haven’t seen my great-niece since she was 6 months old and I’ve never met my great-nephew. I am not close to their parents, my nephew and his wife.
We communicate via WhatsApp. I ask them what the kids would like and get responses from them about things that interest the kids. I always tell them that if I send some things that the kids don’t want or need, they should feel free to return or exchange them.
If I receive a “thank you” from them for the gifts, it is very timid compared to their response to the gifts my sister sends them.
My sister is close to the parents, and they always make a big deal over the gifts she sends the kids. They send enthusiastic “thank yous” and pictures of the kids playing with the gifts or wearing them. These are posted on a shared WhatsApp that I can see. They post nothing about the gifts I send.
This has happened a number of times since we began using the shared WhatsApp. It seems that they are sending a message that my gifts are not appreciated or desired.
I’m inclined to send the parents gift cards for the kids in the future instead of gifts and tell them that they should use the cards to buy the kids something they’d like. I would also let them know that this approach is a better option for me. What do you think?
– Frustrated Gift-Giver
Dear Gift-Giver: I have yet to meet a kid who didn’t appreciate a gift card. This may be the best option. That said, I also want to acknowledge how frustrating it must be to feel like your gifts aren’t being appreciated. Switching over to gift cards or rethinking how you want to continue the relationship moving forward, will help you feel better. There are plenty of ways to keep showing up for the kids that don’t involve gifts at all.
Also, consider that the reaction to your sister’s gifts may not have anything to do with you at all. Perhaps the parents think that she wants or needs a big response. And perhaps they think that you don’t. The only way to know is to ask, but it’s probably easier to just let it go.
It sounds like it may be helpful to ask yourself how you’d like this relationship to grow in the future. Instead of mulling over whether the gifts aren’t appreciated or desired, ask yourself if this generosity is producing the result that you want. I suspect what you’d like is to feel closer to your relatives, even though they’re far away. Gifts may not be the best way to accomplish that, and you may find that if you stop the gifts, or pivot to something else, new options can open up.
Dear Eric: I had a friend with whom I texted frequently with excellent tips and attached articles relating important matters to him and never got words of appreciation for my thoughts. Many times, I expressed my disappointment and tried to let him understand that I wished to get a thanks.
Unfortunately, I did not succeed to change his attitude and consequently I decided to pause. I just cannot stand people who take everything for granted. Also, he never recognizes his mistakes and blames others. The above is all due to a complex of inferiority.
My defect is expecting people to behave as I do and if not, I just disconnect.
Recently I invited him for dinner for the holiday, and he said he had other plans. No thanks at all for my thought. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
What are your thoughts, please? Is my disappointment reasonable?
– Disappointed
Dear Disappointed: It sounds like your friendship has a communication problem. You’ve expressed a want and your friend didn’t acknowledge that want. It’s understandable, then, that you’d feel disappointed. I imagine that if he’s not hearing you when you ask for thanks, there may be other areas in which the two of you are disconnected. It’s worth taking a step back and asking yourself what is most important in this relationship and how you can meet each other in the middle.
As you step back, you might also ask yourself why you want to hear thanks from your friend. What you want isn’t right or wrong, but you might consider that whatever validation you’re looking for can come in other ways. It’s also possible that your offerings aren’t what your friend wants or needs. From that view, you and your friend might be misaligned. Realizing this might help you to right-size your expectations and meet each other where you are.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)