Dear Eric: I’m not happy where we live and want to move to be closer to my family. My parents are in good health now, but I’m concerned I don’t have much time left with them. However, I know if I tell my husband my feelings in wanting to move it will devastate him because this is the first time in my husband’s life that he’s actually enjoyed his job.
If we move where I would like to be, closer to my family as well as his, there is no way he would be able to continue to work at his current job as it’s too far to commute.
We currently live in a rural community that is extremely far from normal city advantages, for example, grocery shopping, health care etc. It was my dream to move here six years ago. Now, I’m done living here. The winter is brutal and harsh; I suffer from Fibromyalgia and living in constant pain has gotten worse with neverending storms. Living here is extremely isolating for me.
He is not a good communicator and often gets angry and pouts for days – not talking to me before finally discussing things as adults. I’ve done searches in the area I’d like to live in and there are multiple job opportunities for his career field, and the financial advantages are great if we moved.
We are in our 40s and still have a lot of working years ahead of us.
– Wants to Go Home
Dear Home: I empathize with the anxiety you’re feeling – when we’re stuck in uncertainty, anxiety latches on to anything it can and grows.
But I think the largest source of anxiety is inside the house. Your husband has weaponized his emotions against you repeatedly throughout your marriage. Pouting is not a mature response, and the silent treatment is a tactic that is often used by emotionally abusive partners. In a marriage, spouses should care about each other’s feelings, of course, but his emotions are being used to control you and that’s unsafe.
To answer your question of how you tell him: you say, “I’m not happy and I need your help; can you listen to me without judgment or shutting down?” You don’t have to fix his work situation – and, as you note, there are other opportunities for him. His work, and his emotions, are both his responsibility.
Because of the ways that these conversations have gone in the past, I’d recommend talking first to a counselor – though you’re in a remote area, there are many options for online sessions. Ask to practice the conversation with your therapist. And see if your therapist is open to a joint session with your husband to keep you both on track.
Dear Eric: My son is recently engaged to a fabulous woman. I love her dearly. She’s always addressed me as Mrs. [My Last Name]. I would like to pass the torch, per se, and tell her that she will soon be Mrs. [Last Name] and that I’d like to be called either by my first name, MIL (for Mother-In-Law) or Mom (only if she’s totally comfortable).
She sees that I call my mother-in-law Mom, and my sister-in-law calls my mother Mom, and I don’t want her to feel like she’s not worthy to call me Mom. But at the same time, she has a mother and I wouldn’t want her to feel disloyal by calling me Mom. Can you tell me the best approach to make her comfortable to call me whatever she likes?
– Loving Soon-to-be Mother-in-Law
Dear Mother-in-Law: This is a transition that might take a few go-rounds to truly stick. Try not to take it personally, if that’s the case. Your first instinct – to give her options and invite her to choose what makes her most comfortable – is great. Verbally acknowledge that this is a new phase of your relationship that you’re building, and you’re excited to make a change if she’s comfortable with that. And then ask her what her preferences are. This is also a good way to start to talk about how you two are building your relationship. The names are important, but the most important thing is that you are working together to get closer, to form a bond and to communicate with each other. This relationship, like every other relationship, takes intentionality and care on both sides. What a privilege to begin this new step.
Lastly, be open to trial and error here. Or to revision down the line. And tell her that. One day, you might be MIL and another you might be Mom. Neither of you has to find the perfect fit right away. Leave room for both of you to keep testing out options until you settle on nomenclature that feels right.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)