Dear Eric: When my brother passed away many years ago, my sister-in-law kept the family photo album that belonged to him.
The family photos in my sister-in-law’s possession include many from my childhood and our larger family, as well as a few of her husband, my brother. I understand that these albums hold great sentimental value for her, and I appreciate the connection she must feel to these memories.
What I struggle with is that, while all my brothers and sisters have their own photo albums, I do not. After our parents passed away, my brother was able to take what he wanted from the house, but I did not have that opportunity, so I have no family album of my own.
Do you have any advice on how I might approach my sister-in-law about possibly sharing copies of some of the photos, so that I too can have some of these memories to hold on to?
– Picture’s Worth
Dear Picture: It’s absolutely fine to just ask her directly if you can have copies of the photos of your family. Something like, “the family photo album you have contains some photos I’d really love to have, as well. Can I come over and make some copies?”
You may want to go a step further by thinking through the logistics, so that she doesn’t feel burdened by the ask (not that the ask is a burden; it’s perfectly reasonable). But it will make the whole thing easier if you decide in advance whether you’re planning to take photos of the photos, to bring a scanner and scan them onsite, or borrow them and get them professionally scanned and reprinted. All are good options. Giving her a full picture of what you’re asking will help, i.e., “I’d need to come over and take a look at the photos, then borrow them for an afternoon and return them. I can also send you digital copies, if you want.”
Dear Eric: My partner and I have been in a committed relationship for four and a half years and have a large, blended family of adult, middle-age kids. We were both divorced following long marriages a long time before starting our relationship.
His two daughters have never been warm to me and tend to ignore me when we’re together. His three stepkids from his previous relationship, on the other hand, are accepting of me and happy to be around me. All his kids are very close.
This past Mother’s Day I mentioned to my partner that I wished I could “crack the code” with his daughters. His response was, it’s as good as it’s going to get because of their past traumas with their own mother and stepmother (the stepkids’ mom) and it’s just not going to ever change.
He flies to his daughter’s home out of state three times a year, including Christmas, and there’s no room for me to stay. It’s pretty much an inviolate rule of his daughter’s that he comes there for the holiday.
He willingly pays for me to fly to see my kids for the holidays and I’m grateful, but the point is, I’d like to spend Christmas with him. Just once, I’d love him to stay here with me.
I told him that I have no desire to fly out of state to see his daughter and family if I’m not going to be treated as his partner and I’m made to feel like a third wheel. This doesn’t seem to bother my partner.
Eric, can you give me a bit of clarity that I’m missing?
– Blended and Shaken
Dear Blended: A couple threads here. First, the visits: I can see why you wouldn’t want to spend the holidays with people who ignore you (bah humbug to that), but I don’t think it’s a fair compromise to ask him to skip holidays altogether. Might it be in everyone’s best interest for him to have a talk with his daughters about being more hospitable to you? And maybe the two of you stay at a local hotel instead of their home?
He can assert his needs in his relationship with his daughters. They don’t have to embrace you, but they need to find a better way to treat you, out of love and respect for him at the very least.
Which leads to the second thread: the relationship with the daughters. While it’s fair to expect him to talk with his daughters about their disrespect, it’s also important that you hear him when he tells you that there may be too much baggage from previous relationships for them to have the kind of connection with you that you seek. There may be no code to crack here. Accepting that and readjusting your expectations may be the best path forward.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)