Dear Eric: My brother died of Covid four years ago. When we flew to the memorial service, his wife’s sibling slipped us the box of ashes. She said my brother’s wife was too distraught to deal with it. We were so shocked we just put them in our trunk.
Those ashes came back with us on the flight and have been sitting on our porch in a bookshelf all this time. One of his children is now finished with college, and the other will soon be 18 and complete high school. My spouse did mention that maybe something should be done with them in a brief conversation with the adult child a few years ago, but they demurred. At what point is it OK to broach this topic of what to do with the ashes again?
I loved my brother, but it feels weird having his ashes on my porch. If I scatter them, I get in trouble. Everyone seems copasetic with me just keeping them. I am usually the responsible adult in my family, so this tracks, but I would feel better if the final resting place wasn’t my bookshelf.
After all, I won’t be here forever, either. We lost another brother three months later, and I scattered those ashes and those of his pets. I wouldn’t mind if someone else could take this on.
– Ex Libris
Dear Ex Libris: I’m curious why you’d get in trouble if you scatter them. If this is something you’re willing to do and no one else will, they don’t have the right to protest. This is easy for me, to say, of course. Family dynamics and the dynamics of grief bring up all kinds of conflicts.
So, instead of taking on that job (which you’ve said you don’t want anyway), you’ll need to force the issue by telling your brother’s wife and children, “I am sending you the ashes, as it’s more appropriate for them to be with your branch of the family. To whom should I address it?” This can be done in conversation or even by text. I know that there is a lot of pain involved, but pain doesn’t go away when it’s ignored (or given to a relative to deal with).
It was kind of you to take on keeping the ashes, but consider that broaching the issue now, and making it clear that it’s not up for debate, will help you and your family on your grief journeys.
Dear Eric: “Crowded House” was concerned about letting her mother-in-law and boyfriend spend the holidays with them. We had a similar situation with my grandmother, in which many in the family chose not to make the gentleman welcome. Years after my grandmother passed, we found a journal entry saying she wished they had, that due to their pressures she may have missed a chance for happiness again after losing her husband. It’s your mother-in-law’s life and choice. Don’t miss this chance to support her.
– Been There
Dear Been There: I’m sorry that your grandmother missed this chance and that the family missed the chance to support her. Love after the death of a spouse is never going to look the way outsiders might think it does, but the family should endeavor to empower the mother-in-law rather than judge her choices. Some readers wrote in with concern that, given the relatively short timeframe of the relationship, the new boyfriend was taking advantage of the mother-in-law. I don’t see evidence of that, but a good way to protect a loved one in a new relationship is to meet the person that they love.
Dear Eric: This is in response to “Need Help”, who encountered trouble understanding customer service reps. I worked in a call center, international department until my retirement. Because every phone call is constantly being graded and monitored by “quality control department” callers can get better results for themselves and for the representative by asking “can you repeat that, please?” – this is an alert phrase.
You can also say “because this call is being rated for your quality of service, I want you to know, you are doing well. But I need to speak to your supervisor to resolve this.”
What does this do? It releases the CSR from the call allowing them to be the best they can be. Customer Service Rep goals are to “Relay, relate, respond and release” as efficiently as possible with kindness for a good grade.
– Former CSR
Dear Former CSR: I really appreciate this peek behind the curtain. After working in restaurants as a server and server trainer for a decade, I feel that I have similar insights when I encounter issues when out dining. It’s helpful to remember that everyone has the same goal in customer service situations – a successful interaction.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)