Dear Eric: I’m 81 years old and my husband is 84. We were comfortably retired until our 44-year-old daughter and 9-year-old granddaughter moved in with us a few weeks ago. Our daughter was evicted from her condo because her ex-husband stopped paying. (I don’t blame him.)
She’s a college graduate and hasn’t worked at a job in her field for 10 years, because her ex helped her start her own business, which has never provided a living wage. The business has now failed.
She says she’s looking for a job but hasn’t found anything.
My problem is that I’m neat and she’s messy. If my daughter or granddaughter drop something on the floor, they don’t pick it up. If they cook, they leave food on the stove and counter. The two rooms that they’re using have clothes and “mess” everywhere. When I ask her to do something, she gets impatient and mad.
I don’t know what to do! She’s making me so stressed-out that my friends think I’m sick.
My husband and I can’t afford to put her in her own place, because it would deplete our savings. She’s already on Medicaid; she gets a small amount of money from the ex for child support but cannot take care of herself.
If you have any suggestions, please help.
– Mother in Mess
Dear Mother: Your daughter is in a tough spot and you’re being very generous in your attempts to keep her afloat. That generosity need not come without strings, however. In fact, some ground rules and expectations about her stay in your house will help everyone.
Start by talking with your husband about what your shared expectations and hopes are for your new living situation. Confirm that you’re on the same page about things like cleaning up, noise and chores. Also talk through what you’re both envisioning for a timeline, i.e., is your daughter staying indefinitely? Is this always a rent-free situation? Are there other expectations in place of rent? Write these things down, if it helps you.
Then together talk with your daughter about your expectations and about hers. Right now, a lot of the conflict is coming from two very different living styles crashing together. There’s work that can be done on both sides to better coexist, but it’s important to remember that she is living in your house. It’s not a shared space; it’s a space that is being lent to her. Making plain what you need to feel respected in your own home sets a healthier dynamic and teaches your granddaughter a valuable skill.
Dear Eric: Recently, I was making a payment on my account to a medical facility by phone. The receptionist accidently hit the wrong number and charged me hundreds of dollars more than my actual bill. She requested a refund immediately, but it took almost two days to be processed resulting in my account to be overdrawn. I was charged a sizable overdraft fee, which she insisted on paying since it was her fault she made that mistake, So, she deducted it from my bill and paid the difference. I don’t think she should have been liable, and I want to pay her back. What do you think? Who’s liable?
– Billing Error
Dear Billing: So, you’d be out of the money, and the bank gets to keep the fee for an overdraft that was quickly corrected? I dunno, the math’s not mathing to me. You’re certainly free to pay her back if you want, but it doesn’t seem like the best decision. It would be more sensible for the facility’s billing department to reach out to the bank directly to see about fixing their error.
Dear Eric: I am writing with an additional perspective on the response issued to the recent letter from “Not Looking Good”, whose wife’s anger would often escalate to the point of violence.
While I completely agree with you that the behavior is abusive and unacceptable, it is highly possible that these newly escalated displays of rage are linked to perimenopause and hormonal fluctuations. It is not to diminish the harm it is doing to the family unit, but it begs a closer look and probably some medical assessment for all of their sakes.
While symptoms vary hugely from person to person, some people experience extreme personality shifts during perimenopause. So, before assuming that the new and unacceptable violence is something to be worked around perhaps this avenue could also be explored.
– Perimenopausal Advocate
Dear Advocate: Thank you for this perspective. It’s true that there could be other factors exacerbating the letter writer’s wife’s reactions, from perimenopause, to hormonal imbalance, to depression. While it’s not my place to medically speculate, I hope the letter writer suggests that his wife have a conversation with her doctor, as well.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)