Dear Eric: I have a wonderful relationship with both of my adult children. My son is married with a family. My daughter is divorced with a teenage son, and I’m very concerned about her. She has had no luck dating because, I feel, she is attracted to the wrong kind of man (players).
She finally met a man of suitable age who, at first, seemed to be a good match. He treats her nicely, says the things she longs to hear, compliments her, tells her he misses her, all the right stuff.
The issue is that after over three months, they have not seen each other on a weekend. There’s always an excuse like he’s too tired, he has a migraine, or he’s busy with his adult kids, and she buys into it. He’ll stop by her job to say hello during the week, or they’ll meet for coffee before work, or they’ll meet on a Monday or Tuesday for their typical “date” which is to meet for an early dinner or drink after work and then take a walk along the waterfront (always home by seven, no intimacy yet).
My concern is that my daughter accepts this. She refuses to go out with anyone else just to have something to do on the weekends because she thinks this guy might call and ask her out, up until the last minute. Before I die, I want to see my daughter in a loving relationship with someone who respects her and treats her the way she deserves to be treated, but she just doesn’t see that this guy is playing her for a fool. How can I possibly open her eyes to what’s really happening here?
– Concerned Dad
Dear Dad: I understand your concern, but your desire to see your daughter happy might be obscuring your view. Is your daughter happy with this man? Right now, that’s the question you should focus on. Getting involved in whether they’ve been intimate or what day of the week they go out is inserting yourself too much.
It’s possible that this guy is playing her, but isn’t it also possible that he’s just a busy adult? I don’t love that she refuses to make other plans on the weekend – she and this gentleman should figure out how to communicate expectations better. If he’s not going to have a surprise change in plans, she shouldn’t sit around waiting for it. But other aspects of this courtship seem rather quaint.
It can be hard to see loved ones making decisions we wouldn’t make. But if she’s not in harm’s way, the best way to support her in her love journey is to pull back on the critique and instead to listen and encourage.
Dear Eric: My same-sex spouse (of many years) and I have been invited to my niece’s wedding. My brother, his wife and their children belong to a religion that is disapproving of marriage equality, and this religious group is actively working to take away marriage equality. We will not be attending the wedding. I am not close with this niece or her family (we are in different states, and of different states of mind), and I am not feeling inclined to send anything other than a card. Is it wrong of me to simply send them a card of congratulations on their marriage, and not send a material gift?
– Gay Uncle
Dear Uncle: A card is just fine. A wedding gift is not a requirement, especially if you’re not attending the wedding. A card, too, is a courtesy. You don’t really have to send anything if you don’t want to. But for the sake of family peace, it’s probably easier to buy a stamp, send your well wishes and be done with it.
Dear Eric: I would wager that the problem in the letter from “Planner”, who felt the burden of always having to plan events for friends, is either that the others feel disincentivized from even trying because they know that their efforts will fall short of what the group has come to expect or that the events have taken on a certain familiar atmosphere that the others know, consciously or otherwise, that they cannot reproduce.
The planner should do something like sigh and say, “I feel like my plans are getting repetitious. Jack, I know you’re interested in tropical orchids, I wonder if you’d like to put together something that will expose us to that world . . . ?” It would minimize the scariness of potential comparisons and encourage “Jack” and the others to step up.
– Alternate Plans
Dear Plans: I like this suggestion. It does require the planner to essentially plan the plan, but sometimes it takes baby steps to change the culture of a friend group.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)