Dear Eric: My 92-year-old father and my 66-year-old brother live together in another state. My father lives at home, is completely functional, drives and can take care of himself. My brother is independent and takes trips frequently.
My issue is visiting them, something I feel like I need/want to do on a regular basis. Their house is livable, but not very clean. It’s not horrible, but it is dirtier than I can comfortably be inside of for very long. I have offered to clean when I’m there, but my father seems to take this as an insult to his pride and then bans me from doing any cleaning.
Neither washes his hands in the kitchen. Both handle food at mealtime and invariably, I get sick every time I go there.
I offer to take over the kitchen duties, but neither seems to let go of handling things in the kitchen.
I try to minimize my time there as much as possible by picking up my father and taking him on trips. I stay only a few days and really dread going. I’m asking if you have any advice for making these visits work, or how. My father will not hear of me going to a motel, and if I did, he would insist on eating together at his home. I appreciate any advice you have.
– Safe Visits
Dear Visits: I know you write that your father won’t hear of you staying elsewhere, but the best path forward may necessitate making that non-negotiable. It doesn’t need a lot of discussion, however if he persists, you can remind him that you and he have different at-home comfort levels and you’ve talked about this before. Assure him that you want the focus of your visits to be on him, and so the easiest way to do that is to remove obstacles that create little points of conflict between you, like the question of where you’re staying.
Similarly, if he insists on eating together at his home, perhaps you can order takeout together instead of eating something that he and your brother prepare.
I know it might feel like you don’t have an option in the face of your father’s insistence. And the dynamics of family can make insistence seem like the law. But you have agency here to set the parameters of your visits. If it’s just not workable for you to stay in his home, you have every right to say so and have your wants honored. You can respect your father and still hold space for what you need. Indeed, being kind but firm about what you need might feel like a pain point initially, but it will take away a lot of the on-going dread that’s siphoning your enjoyment of these visits.
Dear Eric: My two children have started to become friends with the two children who live next door, which is great. They’re similar ages, and I generally get along with their mother while we stand outside and supervise.
The problem is that my older child, who is five, has started to ask about playing at the neighbor’s home instead of in the front yard. I am not OK with that.
The neighbors are fine at arm’s length, but there is for sure domestic violence in their relationship. It isn’t a daily occurrence, but there is alcohol abuse, visible injuries and the police.
How can I explain to my child that while the neighbor kids are fun and we can be friends, we are not going to visit them in their home? I also don’t want my child saying anything that will hurt her friends’ feelings, because the situation certainly isn’t their fault.
– Cautious Playtime
Dear Playtime: There are many things from which parents want to shield their children, things that the children aren’t yet equipped to understand. So, a succinct but firm explanation may leave some things unanswered for your kids while still keeping them safe.
Try an explanation that keeps the focus on yourself, like “I need to see you when you’re playing, and I don’t have time to go over to the neighbors’ house.” Or “I’m more comfortable with you all playing in the yard.”
You can also invite the neighbor children over to yours instead.
While the neighbor’s children aren’t your responsibility, you are an adult who has eyes on them at times and is aware of some of the dysfunction in the house. There may come a time that you see something that makes you concerned for their welfare. Be proactive about reaching out for help for them, and for their parents.
Similarly, if you have the opportunity, check in with one or both of the neighbors individually to see if they need outside support or a connection to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org/1-800-799-SAFE).
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)