Dear Eric: Like many people, my weight yo-yos. Over the decades, I have joined many weight-loss programs and got to my target weight on each (with 100 pounds being the most loss at one time). I stick to each program 99 percent of the time, finding the weekly weigh-ins to be very motivating.
I’ve picked up good habits from each (exercising five-to-six times a week, greatly increasing my vegetable intake, et cetera) but I still overeat after my goal weight is reached and I’m no longer participating in weekly public weigh-ins.
I still weigh myself at home but for some reason don’t find it motivating to pare down my eating. Is there anything I can do to get the same weight-loss reduction motivation without yet again paying for a program that is just basically a weekly public weigh-in?
– Want Inner Motivation
Dear Motivation: It sounds like you’d really benefit from an accountability buddy. Maybe it’s someone who is also trying to change their eating or their relationship to their body, or maybe it’s a friend or loved one who is simply in your corner and rooting for you. It may even be an online community – an established group or a cohort you cultivate yourself.
From what you’ve written, it seems that the habit of weighing in and then reporting back to others who know what your goals are is really motivating. It also sounds like these are processes that, crucially, involve clear expectations but not shame. You can create the same dynamic by telling others what your goals are, what you expect of yourself, and asking them simply to witness your journey. They can cheer you on when you achieve a goal and can give you encouragement when you don’t.
Dear Eric: I get a holiday card from a family consisting of a mom, dad and daughter. They also have a son that died in infancy several years ago. They still put his name on the card. I think this is a little weird. Your thoughts?
– Card Question
Dear Card Question: I don’t think it’s weird. But respectfully, it doesn’t matter what I or you think about it at all. This is how this family is processing a profound loss. And, while it wouldn’t be some people’s choice, by putting their son’s name on their holiday card, they are sharing a part of their lives and their emotional journey that’s meaningful. I see this vulnerability as a gift.
While it’s perfectly fine to put a simple greeting on a holiday card, or any card, when we reach out to family and friends in this way, we’re inviting them into our lives as those lives change and challenge us. I would guess that by putting their son’s name on their card, they’re inviting the recipients to see their full family, as they see it – bonded not by life, but by love. Suffice it to say, their son is still their son and still important to them.
It’s fine if it’s not to your taste. Perhaps don’t put it on your fridge or mantel. But next year, try to see it as an invitation into their lives. You don’t have to accept said invitation but consider being grateful that they trust you enough to make the offer.
Dear Eric: I’m deaf, gradually lost my hearing and got a cochlear implant in December 1994. I wanted to respond to “Hearing Jokes”, a person with hearing loss whose hearing-impaired siblings staged an intervention because the letter writer didn’t want to get a hearing aid.
I would recommend that “Hearing Jokes” join the Association of Late Deafened Adults (ALDA) and attend some meetings either in person or online. I also recommend joining the Hearing Loss Association of America (HLAA) and attending meetings in person or online. Most of these members (by far the majority) do not identify as deaf but work to find peace of mind first with themselves and then with others.
It is a process to find ways to cope with hearing loss itself and to cope with the feelings of shame and negativity. These people can share their stories with “Hearing Loss” and help the letter writer to find a place of peace within.
– Community and Hope
Dear Community: Thank you for these great resources. Sometimes friends and loved ones won’t do what they need to do to fix a problem, medical, emotional, psychological, or other. While it’s important to support and sometimes coax them, it’s also crucial to remember that everyone has autonomy. We can’t be forced into doing what’s right for us. What I appreciate about your suggestions is that they offer the letter writer tools to change his or her own mind and to overcome the internal blocks that have impeded addressing the hearing loss in the first place.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)