Dear Eric: We are a group of three female former co-workers who have gathered regularly for 10 years to celebrate birthdays and Christmas. We have taken turns at each other’s homes and always had a nice time eating, laughing and reminiscing together.
This year, one member of our group ghosted the other two of us. She will not respond to phone calls or messages. We are totally in the dark and confused by this and don’t know if we should continue to reach out or let it go.
She has given us no indication, at any time, of a problem. She recently became a grandma and didn’t invite us to the baby shower.
My feeling is to let it go and hope she is OK. What do you think we should do?
– Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken: This abrupt shift is concerning. If you know someone else who knows her, even casually, you should reach out to them just to confirm that she’s physically safe. You don’t have to get into the details of your friendship, but something as simple as “I haven’t heard from her in a bit, do you know if everything is OK?” could put your mind partially at ease.
Since you know about the new grandchild, it’s likely you already know that she’s fine, just not responding. But if you have a doubt, reach out. It may not prompt her to re-establish contact with you but could affirm that she has a good social safety net, should she need it.
Now, it’s possible, though unfortunate, that she may have outgrown the friendship, or something may have shifted in her feelings, and you and the other friend may not have noticed. This can make you feel powerless, in addition to hurt. One way to take some of that power back is to perform a ritual of closure for your friendship. Don’t worry, this sounds fancier than it is.
Right now, there’s just a sharp drop-off where your friendship used to be. That’s going to feel like a wound that doesn’t heal. Write her a letter in which you thank her for the times you spent together and the gift of friendship she gave you and wish her well. You may not even want or need to send it. This is a letter for you, as well. We may not always get to tell those we love “goodbye and thank you,” but that doesn’t stop us from saying it. And in speaking it, it becomes real.
Dear Eric: I’m a right above-knee amputee. I became an amputee two years ago due to an escalated argument with my mother who stabbed me seven times while I was knocked unconscious with a bat. She was given 12 years. She’ll do six and a half.
She is also my neighbor. Should I move? But also, why should I move? I bought this property as a teenager. I’ve worked all my life. Why should I give up a home I have poured blood sweat and tears into? Is it worth the trauma to stay?
– Want to Stay Home
Dear Home: You shouldn’t have to move. And it sounds like you have a number of years to figure out how to make your home a safe space. Talk to the local authorities and perhaps the DA that handled your case about your options for a restraining order or other protections.
However, this isn’t just about property or physical safety. Even with her incarcerated, this neighborhood is a site of violence for you and so it’s likely that the trauma is going to keep being perpetuated if you don’t address it. You’ve suffered a huge loss, and a therapist or support group can help you process that. Tending to your emotional well-being will better set you up to make a healthy choice when she returns.
Dear Eric: Recently I was chatting with a new neighbor and said that I had lived in Chicago for a number of years prior to moving to my current city. This new neighbor looked at me and said, “I’m sorry.” When I said, “sorry about what,” he turned and walked away. Can you shed some light on this?
– Former Chicagoan
Dear Chicagoan: As someone who loves Chicago whenever I visit, I don’t think there’s any light to shed here, alas. People who feel the need to denigrate entire cities need to work on their conversational skills. Maybe get a hobby. It shows a real lack of understanding about how large the world is. It’s silly to write off an entire city. It’s silly to write off an entire block. If you don’t want to live someplace, that’s perfectly fine. But to say no one should live there or it’s beyond saving? Wow, I can’t imagine being so unimaginative.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)