Dear Eric: My husband and I often go to an off-leash park near our home. There is one woman who regularly frequents the small dog area with her little doggo. We do not know her well, but we are polite and friendly.
Yesterday, while bringing in our dogs, she accosted me by loudly telling me about horrible medical procedures that were being performed on puppies at our local hospital. I put up my hand and said, “I really don’t want to hear this,” because I find these situations really upsetting.
She insisted twice that I needed to hear the story. By the third time, she was yelling at me.
She started to swear loudly, screamed that I don’t care and dramatically flounced off saying she was never coming back.
We still want to go to this park, but we are concerned about running into her. I understand on one level how upsetting the news story was. I don’t feel I have to prove to her that we are active in rescue and send money to local rescue organizations. I emotionally can’t read stories about animal abuse; I become horribly distressed. So, on one level I totally understand but I’m still not sure what to say to her if I see her again. Any thoughts?
– Animal Lover
Dear Lover: People will sometimes read a story or see something online that upsets them and want others to feel that same level of distress so that they know they’re not alone. What this response often lacks is consent. Yes, the news is public information, but how we receive that information, process it and react to it is still personal. She didn’t respect a boundary that you set. That says to me she was less interested in commiseration than in misery.
Don’t let that misery keep you from engaging in this space. Dog parks can be complicated places, socially (for humans), but you’re not under any obligation to further explain yourself or to continue to be in a relationship with her. Since she’s nearly a stranger, it’s best to decide you have different approaches to conversation and to opt out of future exchanges.
Dear Eric: My mother-in-law will only tolerate positive conversations/compliments about her children. If my husband or I say something even remotely negative about my BIL/SIL and their kids, my MIL will either get defensive or just not respond. She refuses to comment on anything personal about her sons. She just says little positive statements here and there and is very surface level. It’s extremely hard to have a deep conversation with her.
On the flipside, she loves to gossip about her friends, my father-in-law, his family and my family! She’s extremely negative about my FIL’s extended family. I find her behavior to be very nosy, and I abhor her double standard.
Recently, at my daughter’s birthday party, I overheard my MIL asking my sister, “So do you think you’ll have more kids?” She would never in a million years ask my husband and me or my BIL/SIL that question! I am infuriated that she had the nerve to ask my sister such a personal question. I asked my sister later if she thought that question was appropriate. She agreed that that question was out of line. She said that only really close friends or family should be able to ask that question.
I want to tell my MIL that it was inappropriate for her to ask my sister that question. Do you think it was an appropriate or inappropriate question? I want to set her straight, but I need to know if I’m out of line, too.
– Outraged
Dear Outraged: I wonder if much of the outrage you’re feeling is about the cumulation of your mother-in-law’s behavior, which is making the comment loom larger than it would otherwise.
In general, you don’t have to have any conversation that makes you uncomfortable. You can be as clear with her as she is with you—“I don’t want to hear anything negative about my father-in-law,” for instance. Hard to argue with that.
But I think the comment to your sister was your sister’s battle to fight. If she didn’t want to answer or didn’t think it was appropriate, she could have redirected or even addressed it in the moment. By bringing it up with your MIL now, you run the risk of the conversation spilling over into the dangerous minefield of “you always.” That is, it will stop being about the one comment and start being about this pernicious habit and a host of other things. That’s not going to get you anywhere. Let this one go and the next time she says something that rubs you wrong, talk about it in the moment or change the subject.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)