Dear Eric: I recently had lunch with an old friend. We have known each other for more than 50 years and get together three or four times a year to catch up. On my way home, I realized that every time I talked about something, either my family or something I had done, my friend couldn’t wait to “best” me with her story. She didn’t ask one question, just moved the subject to her. Why do people do that? It won’t break our friendship, but I won’t be the person who reaches out next.
– One Upped
Dear Upped: More often than not, I think this habit is a sign of insecurity or a desire to impress. Or both. It can be annoying but, when I encounter it, I tend to see it as evidence that the person to whom I’m speaking doesn’t know how to make a connection effectively.
Ask yourself what you want from this friendship. If you’re only catching up a few times a year, maybe it’s worth reducing the number of interactions. However, if you value this person’s presence in your life, otherwise, it’s worth saying something before your next lunch.
Dear Eric: I work as a monitor at the pool in the community where I live. Recently, a guest that I have seen several times was at the pool with her spouse, two toddlers and baby.
She and I had always exchanged pleasantries, so when she went to use the restroom with the baby in her arms as her spouse watched the kids, I asked if she wanted me to hold the baby for her.
She declined graciously and I returned to my tasks. Since then, however, she has avoided me. She has her spouse check their family in with me, no longer speaks to me and redirects her children instantly if they come to me to say “hi” or ask for a bandage or whatever toddler-type business that they want to engage in.
Eric, I feel so bad. While I didn’t intend to make her uncomfortable, I clearly did. Do I need to address this or stick with my current behavior of being pleasant, but maintaining a polite and professional distance?
– Pool Faux Pas
Dear Pool: This seems to be a simple misunderstanding, so I wouldn’t beat myself up if I were you. But polite and professional distance will be the best option. And more to the point, it seems that’s what she’s looking for.
If you had a closer relationship, I’d suggest you tell her, “I think that I offended you in some way and I want to make it right. Would you let me?” But more conversation seems counter to what she’s looking for right now. Who knows, it may not really be about you or the interaction at all. Staying in your lane might be the best option both in and out of the pool.
Dear Eric: As a retired hospice chaplain, I would like to comment on the recent letter from the person who has a terminal illness, and by extension, all those who might feel isolated from friends and/or family because of a challenging health situation (“Wanting Company”). First, I hear you. You are still the same person that you always have been. You crave quality time with those you care about the most, but they distance themselves.
Now I am addressing those reading this who hesitate to visit. Not knowing what to do or say is no reason to not see them. Just show up, and soon, either by calling or visiting. Of course, contact them first for when it’s convenient to visit. Bring a prepared meal or two. If you ask how they are doing, know that they may say “lousy,” as the writer did. Do not say, “Is there anything I can do for you?” Instead, be specific. Examples: “I want to visit next week at your convenience and/or will bring you a couple of meals. I am available to take you to your next doctor’s appointment. I can do some errands for you, sort your mail, etc.” And then follow through if they accept your kindness.
Finally, listen intently and without judgment so they feel free to share whatever is on their mind. Know that whatever they tell you, or don’t tell you, is OK. It is also fine to hold their hand and sit with them in silence for a while, taking your cues from them. In my experience, attending to one who is seriously ill can enrich both your lives.
– Company
Dear Company: These steps are so beautifully put and so clear. Often, we feel we don’t know what to do when friends and loved ones are ailing or suffering. But the answer is deeply human: be there, say, “I don’t know.” Say, “I’m here.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)