Dear Eric: My sister, age 86, and I, 84, have two younger brothers, 77 and 74. We have all been invited to share Thanksgiving with one of my brothers and his wife. We siblings are spread out geographically and are not particularly close but not estranged either.
We all agree that “the girls” had a significantly different upbringing than “the boys,” with the girls getting the better deal. There are certainly no major factors like physical abuse during our childhood, however, our mother had some psychological problems and showed some anger and paranoia symptoms, which scared us as children and were overt enough that many in our town knew about her. In general, however, we had a typical mid-century, small-town upbringing.
My question is how to get the most out of this reunion without sitting around rehashing old issues/resentments and complaining about our parents, especially our mother. Are there general conversation questions we could throw out at meals, and if rehashing must be done, how can it be productive rather than disruptive? I would like to return home with a warm feeling of sibling closeness instead of nursing new resentments, and I welcome your
suggestions.
– Our Last Reunion
Dear Reunion: I’m so glad you’re being proactive about this. So often we think that family bonding just happens, and we get disappointed when that’s not the case. But gathering takes planning and it takes intention.
With regard to your conversation questions, think about what you don’t know about your siblings, rather than what you do. We often get stuck rehashing common ground because it feels like a shared vocabulary. But we can learn so much more and feel connected in such a different way by leading with curiosity.
What are they proudest of? What’s something the family doesn’t know about them? What lesson did they take from childhood and how did they apply it in life? What do the siblings appreciate about each other? What are their favorite memories of each other? What qualities of the others do you each wish you had? What never got said?
You might even want to send a question or two out in advance to prime the pump. It’ll get your siblings thinking and set a tone for the meal. It could even inspire them to bring questions of their own.
Dear Eric: Lately I have been kind of a jerk to people around me, and although it is kind of a mystery as to why, I know it is something I need to get a handle on. I just don’t know how.
For example, a couple weeks ago I stormed over to a neighbor’s where a painting company was setting up ladders for a paint job. I complained to them about the noise, since it was before the time that the county daily noise ordinance would end. In retrospect, they weren’t that loud. I felt embarrassed afterward for giving them grief. I have no idea why I was ticked off enough to do this.
In another case, I picked up some takeout food last night, and completely unfairly gave the workers a hard time. There’s been other times as well, where I’m ticked off and call them out. I don’t know why I’m doing this, but I need to get this behavior under control.
I have visions of my late dad, who when he was my age (70), was the same way, and later was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, and his awful behavior was tied to the early stages of this disease. Help! I don’t want to be that old crabby guy!
– Mood Improvement
Dear Mood: This awareness is a gift because it gives you something to work with. If you didn’t see the so-called crabbiness as a problem, you might not be compelled to investigate until whatever is going on has progressed.
First, talk to your doctor. Set up an appointment with your primary care physician and relay your concerns. Ask for a referral to a neurologist but also talk with your doctor about other potential causes for the mood changes. Perhaps you’re having issues with your blood sugar, perhaps you’re experiencing anxiety or depression. I don’t know and it would be irresponsible of me to ever try to diagnose, but a medical professional can listen to you, run tests and start looking for answers.
At the same time, reach out to friends and tell them about what you’re experiencing and what you fear may be going on. They’ll be able to monitor changes in your behavior, as well and help give you information about when these things are happening. Importantly, they’ll also be able to support you, socially and emotionally. This is scary and it’s hard to navigate changes to our personalities or our demeanors. But you don’t have to do it alone.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)