Dear Eric: My boyfriend of almost two years seems unable to break away from his former spouse’s family. The marriage lasted 15 years. There were no children, so he has virtually no contact with the wife.
However, he seems unwilling to refuse any invitation from the family to have dinner, lunch and go on weekend trips to their bay house. Initially, I went along with him as I was invited but I got tired of hearing about the ex-wife from her family so I started saying no. I have expressed my displeasure on numerous occasions so my boyfriend will just join them for meals and family events without me.
When I was out of town visiting family for two weeks, my boyfriend revealed to me that he had been with the family four times in less than one week. When he mentioned joining them for the Thanksgiving meal, he knew from my reaction that I was not happy about it.
Any advice for me going forward? If he knows I don’t like his doing that, it seems like he would stop.
– Confused
Dear Confused: I wouldn’t go so far as to say your boyfriend should stop doing something like this just because you don’t like it. But the questions you’re raising should prompt him to give you a little more insight into what he’s thinking.
Even though many people, if not most, don’t maintain the same level of closeness to their in-laws after a divorce, obviously the people in this situation feel differently. They were in each other’s lives for 15 years, so one can see the logic, I suppose.
I can’t help but wonder where the ex-wife is in all this, though. Is she hanging out with the family, or is your boyfriend chilling with her folks while she’s off somewhere else?
Ultimately, though, this is about you and your boyfriend. When you share your displeasure about him going over to his ex-in-law’s house, he should be sharing with you what this relationship means to him and why it’s important that he keep it up.
You certainly don’t have to accept his reasoning. These hangouts can be non-negotiables for you that put an end to the relationship. But it is noteworthy that, from your letter, there’s nothing inappropriate going on here. The biggest issue listed was that a woman’s family was talking about her, which isn’t all that outrageous. Maybe it’s best to accept that these people are a part of your boyfriend’s life.
Dear Eric: My brother-in-law (never known for his tact or diplomacy) came to our house for Thanksgiving dinner where we had 15 people in attendance. Getting everything on the table in time is always a challenge but each year, people show up, eat, drink and are merry.
This year, my brother-in-law announced twice, in a loud and carrying voice, “This turkey is ice cold!” It was not piping hot because it got pulled out of the oven to get carved, and to make way for everything else that had to go in, and because of all the items that other guests showed up with that needed to be heated. But it was not cold. He then left early, telling me dinner was too crowded.
I was angry, my husband was angry. He sent my brother-in-law a text the next day about it. My brother-in-law responded that I was “taking on too much for dinner’ (which is actually kind of rich coming from him because he hasn’t hosted anything in years).
I saw him that same weekend for another family function (a catered function held elsewhere) and he came right over to tell me all that had gone wrong with the dinner. I said, “NOPE” andvrefused to engage with him.
I’ve told my husband I’m not having him over again unless he apologizes. My husband thinks I’m being unrealistic. Thoughts?
– Quitting Him Cold Turkey
Dear Quitting: Kudos to you for not dumping the not-ice-cold turkey right into his lap. He absolutely owes you an apology. It sounds like he’s dealing with mental or emotional issues that are impacting his ability to respond appropriately. You suggest that he’s always been like this. So, when your husband says you’re being unrealistic, maybe he’s saying “Well, you know how he is. What can be done?”
But there’s a big difference between knowing that a relative is a pill and loving them through it and being rudely insulted by a relative and just sucking it up. You don’t have to accept it. There are consequences for our actions. And it is realistic to hold other adults accountable when they act out.
Your brother-in-law is not behaving like someone who wants to continue being invited over. Until he apologizes, he can eat his own turkey at whatever temperature he desires.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)