Dear Eric: Perhaps my problem stems from the fact that I am a mid-80s mom? A couple of years ago, our very responsible son asked if he could invite about 10 friends to our large lakeside cabin during our absence. There is plenty of room for all to sleep, a big kitchen and boats and a nice lake for all to enjoy. We said fine.
Married and single people came. Ages ranged from a very young baby through people in their 50s. When my husband and I returned, there was no thank-you of any sort from anyone. I was offended.
My much-admired son says that my reaction is simply because of a generational difference: No one from his generation offers thanks for that sort of thing, and no one expects it. Is he right? If so, I am once again VERY disappointed. He wants to invite some of those people again soon. I’m not enthused. Am I too self-centered?
– Lake-en for Granted
Dear Granted: Wow! I don’t know who your son has been talking to or what his world looks like, but the words “thank you” have not been stricken from the English language. Moreover, no matter what a generation is or is not doing, he’s perfectly capable of expressing thanks. The offer of the house is very generous, and one would think that not only would your son feel motivated to express his gratitude, but his other guests would, too. How hard is it to leave a card on the counter or send a gift basket after the fact.
Circle back to the conversation you had with your son. He may have thought he was educating you on his generation, but what you failed to note was that you were expressing an expectation, an unmet need. What he should have said was “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize what you needed to feel appreciated. I do appreciate it. Thank you.”
Dear Eric: I was married to my best friend for several years. He was truly a family man. There was nothing he wouldn’t do to help his family or friends.
Unfortunately, he was killed suddenly and tragically. Now his family has nothing to do with me or my child.
I find this very hurtful because we hosted most of the holidays, birthday parties and cookouts.
I have tried reaching out numerous times. Have left messages requesting a call back. They have been ignored. I was going through cancer treatments traveling into Boston five days a week for a couple of months.
Can you advise me what I should do? Should I just give up and not try contacting them?
– So Sad Sister-in-Law
Dear Sister-in-Law: I’m very sorry for the loss of your husband and for the way you’re being treated. There’s no excuse for it. Grief does make people do uncharacteristic things, and that can be hurtful to those who need care and compassion the most. This is a time that family should be drawing together. I can’t say why they’re behaving this way. Generously, I might think that their grief is too overwhelming and too complex for them to be there for you. But they need to do more than ghosting you, even if all they can do is tell you “this is too painful right now; I need some space.”
While you navigate this difficult period, on top of your cancer treatments, it’s important for you to prioritize your needs and care. Some reconnecting with your husband’s family may be possible in the future, but right now you should focus on and seek out those friends and other family members who are there for you unequivocally, who can anticipate what you need and who can make space for you to process your feelings. For now, put the other family to the side for the moment. They can’t help you and right now they’re just hurting you more.
Dear Eric: “Left Out Sister” complains that her sister didn’t share the proceeds from the sale of their father’s house fairly. But Left Out Sister says she went along with it when the sister “asked me if I minded” leaving two stepsiblings out of the split, contrary to their father’s expressed wishes that the proceeds be split four ways. Left Out Sister was naïve to think that the sister would be fair and honorable in dealing with her, when she had been less than fair and honorable in dealing with the stepsiblings.
This episode shows why people should meet with a professional (who is not a party at interest) to clarify estate distribution wishes.
– Fair Is Fair
Dear Fair: A very good point. Estate should not be done with handshake deals and everything should be verifiable. Estate lawyers are very good at helping families make these arrangements clearly and fairly.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)