Dear Eric: How does one politely suggest to an in-law’s relative that we don’t need to exchange Christmas gifts? My significant other and I are at the stage in life where we really do not need more “stuff” and would rather not deal with gifts that are generic at best and usually are re-gifted promptly via donation or gift-economy communities.
Perhaps I should suggest we only exchange consumables (gifts of homemade baked goods or gourmet food items), but that seems rather controlling.
This person has been nothing but kind to us in all our years of knowing them, but the awkward gift exchange is getting tiresome. I’m at a loss for how to deal with this and am hoping you have a delightful solution to this first-world problem.
– Feeling Bah-humbug
Dear Feeling: It can be deceptively easy to fall into these sorts of back-and-forths. And, as you surely can attest, it is hard to delicately extract oneself. It can feel like rejecting a kind gesture, which could result in hurt feelings or worse. But if you suggest an alternative in place of the traditional exchange, that “no” becomes a “yes, but.” Even more importantly, it can be collaborative rather than controlling.
Try making a suggestion to your in-law about a different way of celebrating and asking their opinion. “Instead of the gift exchange this year, we’d like to bake you something. Is that something you’d be interested in?” This way, they’re free to express their wants – and they might say “no thanks” – but they’re also being encouraged to think more expansively about this tradition.
Dear Eric: I had a pancreas transplant in 2018. Due to this, along with celiac disease, I’m on a very restricted and medically controlled diet. There are very few things I can safely eat. However, I find during the holidays people attempt to make me special food during parties and get-togethers.
I normally do not eat at other people’s homes due to food preparations and sanitary concerns for my transplant, as well as not being able to verify a gluten-free environment when the food was made.
How should I handle when people bring food to these gatherings or mention that they made me something special? I don’t want to be rude because I know it was done in love, but I also don’t want to get sick or risk cross contamination. How should I respond without hurting someone’s feelings?
– Medically Compromised
Dear Medically Compromised: You and your medical team are the experts on keeping yourself healthy and safe. So, don’t be afraid to be clear with friends about what you will and won’t do. If bruised feelings occur, those friends may not be listening to nor believing you in the way that they need to, so the onus is on them.
When talking about your practices regarding food, frame them as universal, rather than personal, and non-negotiable. “It’s so thoughtful of you to make me something. But I can’t eat anything outside of the home because there are too many variables. It’s not about you; I would eat it if I could and I appreciate the thought.”
In some cases, it can be helpful to let your hosts know in advance, perhaps when you’re RSVPing. “For the ease of your planning, I wanted to remind you that I don’t eat outside of the home for medical reasons. So, no need to prepare anything for me. But don’t worry: I’ll have a wonderful time regardless.”
Dear Eric: For years I’ve seen the same complaints about gift-receivers who are unhappy about the gifts they receive (ugly, wrong size, wrong style, not needed, not wanted, etc.) yet they cannot find a way out of this circle. For many years I was also on the receiving end of gifts that were lovingly wrapped and gifted. I understand that for many people the best part of Christmas is to send a beautifully wrapped and thoughtful gift.
I’ve discovered that when people ask, “what do you want?” and “I need a list for you/your family”, it’s coming from a place of love, not to terrorize you. However, I also know that I am one of the lucky people that needs nothing and wants for nothing.
My response is to request gifts of sheets, towels, blankets, cookware, dishes, suitcases, etc. and I happily donate these items to a homeless or rehoming shelter. My relatives are none the wiser and I’m able to send a truly heartfelt thank you note with how much I love these thoughtful gifts.
– Lucky to Need Nothing
Dear Lucky: This is a lovely solution. Others who are trying this tactic this year might also consider letting their loved ones know about the donation plan so that the loved ones aren’t looking for that special Crockpot the next time they visit.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)