Dear Eric: I have been friends with “Bill” for more than 25 years. When the fire started in the Pacific Palisades, we had to evacuate our home. My wife and I went to one friend’s condo for two nights, then to another couple’s house for four nights and then we went to Bill and his wife’s guest house, which is separate from the main house.
We bought dinner for the four of us from a nice restaurant and we tried to stay out of their way as much as possible. (I should note, they had hosted another couple the first few nights after the fire before we came some days later.)
Bill and I often go to sporting events together. While I was with him for the Super Bowl this year, he told me, “you know, we really did not like that you stayed with us. We were annoyed to have you after the other couple had moved out, but we felt obligated.” I was shocked, as we never had an argument in 25 years of friendship.
I did not say anything then, but since the Super Bowl, I have not contacted him or communicated. My wife is very angry with them. (We sent a “thank you” gift package to them a week after we left. Fortunately, our home was spared damage, and we’ve returned to it.) He has not contacted me either, but sometimes we go for a while without calling each other.
I really do not want to end a friendship of such long standing. I am debating on telling him I was surprised, I was angry and I was hurt by his statements, or saying nothing and see if he contacts me as if all is “normal.” What do you think?
– Bruised Friendship
Dear Friendship: Bill’s response is callous. I simply can’t imagine saying something like that to a friend. It’s human to feel annoyed when stretched thin or stressed, but everyone can agree that the fires were devastating and called on everyone to show up for each other and for the region.
I understand the tough position you’re in. You’ve been good friends for a long time. Personally, I wouldn’t want to be around anyone who thought of me as an obligation while in a time of need. But you can extend him the grace he didn’t extend you.
In an ideal world, he’d apologize. But it seems there are other things going on with him and his wife, so you’re unlikely to get it. However, if you want to salvage the friendship, you can reach out and tell him that you want to move past this, and you hope he does, too.
Be sure to keep communicating with your wife as you’re doing this. If Bill is so willing to treat you badly in an emergency, there are possibly other ways the friendship isn’t serving you. She might see them and help you avoid them. She also might be done with Bill altogether. But, if you so desire, you’ll be able to return to sports outings, casual conversation and any other parts of the friendship that uplift you.
Dear Eric: My best friend of more than 35 years is waffling over attending my son’s wedding. Her excuses for not coming are an as-yet-unplanned hiking trip in Europe (it would be her fourth in less than two years), and work, which she can easily get out of. This is my only child that will ever get married, and the wedding is in her former hometown where she still has family and friends. It’s one easy flight. This friend stays with us three to four times a year for several weeks when she has work in town. My husband and I were allowed to invite four couples. Even my siblings aren’t invited!
I’m incredibly hurt that she’s even considering not coming. To me this has already caused a shift in my feelings toward her. I haven’t spoken to her about it yet but intend to. Are my feelings unreasonable?
– Mother of the Groom Gloom
Dear Mother: Your feelings are completely reasonable. This is a special occasion, and a rare one at that, and it’s reasonable that you want someone who means a lot to be present. Talk to her about it, starting with “I” statements. “I felt hurt when you said you weren’t sure about coming to the wedding. It would really mean a lot to have you there. Can you help me understand what’s going on?” Maybe she doesn’t realize how much this means to you. Maybe she doesn’t like weddings. Maybe there’s more to the European hiking trip. She may not change her mind, but that’s not the point of talking to her. The point is to prevent your feelings from staying bottled up and turning into resentment.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)