Dear Eric: My husband sings at the top of his lungs to any song that is playing in a movie or a commercial or in the car or otherwise. It’s like nails on a chalkboard for me. I’ve tried telling him, but he takes offense. He tells me everyone tells him he has perfect pitch (he doesn’t), and it has come down to serious discord at times.
I have also tried telling him it takes me out of the moment, and also that it’s overstimulating for me.
His entire family tells him he has a beautiful voice. They also sing loudly and whistle out of key. It’s murder on my brain. The last few years I’ve just started telling him and everyone around us that I don’t like music and don’t care for it in the background.
I’m not embarrassed, it just hurts my ears, literally.
I realize it brings him/them joy, but how much joy do I tolerate at my extreme discomfort?
I actually used to really like, even love, some music, but now I completely hate it. Hating music is now part of my personality, which I never intended. It gives me a sense of guilt that I’m not a good wife if I enjoy it without his contribution.
Leaving the room isn’t a solution. There are only so many rooms; we aren’t rich people. Also, it’s my husband’s feelings I care most about.
Am I wrong for not wanting my ears invaded this way while also wanting to love and respect him as a person?
– Sound Off
Dear Sound Off: It strikes me that you’re working really hard to consider your husband’s feelings here and, in turn, he’s been dismissive of yours. That’s not fair to you. He can’t help the traditions and habits of the family in which he was raised, and neither can you help the way those habits are impacting you. Marriages, like any other relationship, are about communication and often compromise and I’m not seeing enough of either from him in this area.
It may help you to talk to your doctor about the way that you’re processing his singing now. The emotional part of it may have a physiological or psychological counterpart. It sounds like you’re receiving too much auditory input and it’s overwhelming. This is something that a lot of people experience, for various reasons and in various contexts. And there are ways to address it, like wearing noise-canceling or noise-reducing earbuds, for instance. This may help, but the most important part is that your husband respects you and your shared space.
Dear Eric: I have a bestie who I’ve been friends with since diapers. I tell her everything.
I have a lot going on at work right now and it’s possible that I could be looking at separating from the company I work for soon. I told my BFF about this so that she is not worried if I’m silent for periods of time.
My friend has a lot of connections with college students through her work, and they often ask her for references for jobs. Yesterday, my friend asked me about the job requirements for my current job. I’m assuming this question is from one of her college associates or someone else close to her.
I feel like it was insensitive to ask that considering my current dilemma. My first thought was “why doesn’t this person look at the job posting for that information?” My job is related to health care and has high turnover rates, and they are always hiring. I have not responded to this message yet, as I am not sure how to feel. Am I overthinking this question from a friend? Or should I be evaluating the relationship?
– BFF Guidance
Dear Guidance: Ask her about it to clear the air. It’s possible that she compartmentalized your work situation and it didn’t occur to her that passing along the request from an associate would strike you as tone-deaf. Maybe she thinks that, if you’re considering leaving your company, you don’t have any particular feeling about who would replace you. I can’t say for sure, but the best way to put your mind at ease is to just ask her what her intentions were.
This conversation is also a great way for you to clarify the kind of friendly support you need. It’s absolutely fine to be sensitive about this situation, and your work stress is probably making things that wouldn’t normally bother you seem more intense. It’s fine to tell her that. In fact, it’s more than fine – it’s the bedrock of a healthy friendship. Sometimes even the best of friends can get it wrong or misread a situation. A conversation and, perhaps, a gentle redirect, will give her the tools to show up for you more effectively.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)