Dear Eric: My husband has dementia; it’s getting worse by the month. I am the caregiver. Our daughter calls on her way home from work. Our son calls several times a week. They have been my rock. I lean on them and rely on their excellent advice and strong shoulders.
Our 55th wedding anniversary is several days before Christmas. Because of the type of dementia my husband has, he cannot speak or understand speech. Reading and writing skills are diminished. A celebration would be difficult to impossible for guests and family members because of his type of dementia.
I thought a dinner cruise would be a wonderful compromise. I floated it by my daughter only to find out that her husband’s family is planning a trip to Hawaii during that time to spread ashes for his nephew’s wife. My son and family could come, but it’s not the whole family. Plus, there’s Christmas without my daughter. We’ve always had a pinky swear that we’d be together. Am I being selfish?
– Sad Christmas
Dear Christmas: You’re not. This is a hard situation all around. But it’s not impossible. What you want, it seems, is to feel supported by your kids during a painful time, and to find a way to commemorate your marriage while taking into consideration your husband’s comfort. So, let’s back up from logistics and work from a place of open communication. It may get you further.
Talk to both of your kids about what you’d like to feel at Christmas. Acknowledge that everyone’s lives pull them in different directions, especially at the holidays. And see if you can, together, come up with a plan.
It may feel like your daughter has chosen a different branch of her family tree over yours, or broken a promise, but I’d encourage you to think of it as a logistical logjam, made up of good intentions, rather than an intentional slight.
In this conversation, don’t be afraid to be honest with your kids about concerns you have, if any, about the pressure time and illness put on you to make something special happen soon. This isn’t to guilt them, but rather to say, “this is where I’m coming from; this is the track that’s playing in the back of my mind.”
Christmas doesn’t have to happen on Christmas. Are you open to the idea of a dinner cruise a week or two earlier, or later? You’d still be able to celebrate Christmas Day with your son’s family – and it’s important to have love and support on that day. But you may find the special occasion you want is a little more flexible than it currently seems.
Dear Eric: My brother (65) lost his wife to Covid in 2023. I (F73) relocated to take care of him while grieving. He has numerous health issues. He does nothing for himself.
I take care of all washing, cooking as well as ordering and dispensing his medications. He is incontinent recently and refuses to wear disposable underwear I purchase for him. There is mess everywhere. I am fed up.
How do I address this with him without creating hurt feelings and tension? I am exhausted from cleaning up after him and am tempted to let the bathroom at least stay filthy. Help!
– Exhausted Sister
Dear Sister: Your brother may still be in the throes of grief over the loss of his wife, and perhaps has diminished capacity. That’s understandable, but that does not preclude him from showing up in some way for himself and for you. I’m curious how much of this behavior is a remnant of his relationship – was he active in the maintenance of his life before his wife’s passing or did she do all the things you’re doing?
Have a state of the household conversation. I know you want to avoid tension, but tension is already there. You’re feeling it. And it’s possible that he’s feeling it, too, and some of his actions may be expressions of it. Without placing blame, talk to him about what the needs of the home are – the things you’re doing, the things you need, the things he needs, the things that are falling through the cracks. Then talk to him about your capacity, i.e., “these are things that I can’t keep doing.” Ask him, “Are there parts of our living situation that don’t work for you?” Then say, “What can we do to improve things for both of us?”
It may look like him taking more of an active role in his care. It may look like reaching out to a social worker, senior manager or doctor about bringing in more help. But it starts with laying out the facts, separately laying out the feelings and then saying, “This is reality; what are we going to do about it?”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)