Dear Eric: I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for most of my 20s, and while I still love him, I find myself wondering if I am still attracted to him.
In the last few years, he has significantly stopped taking care of himself. As a very active and healthy person (I run marathons, bike, lift weights regularly, et cetera), I find it hard to retain that attraction when he does not exercise, eats very poorly, consumes hundreds of grams of sugar a day and overall leads a very sedentary lifestyle.
With those things, and bodies changing from young 20s to 30s, physically he has become a different person but also our connection in lifestyle is missing in that way as well.
Am I selfish for this? I want to find my partner attractive but when he is eating fries and fried chicken when I come back in from a 10-mile run, I wonder if this will ever change.
– Stuck Girlfriend
Dear Girlfriend: The ways that we spend our time are reflections of what we value. This is particularly true of intimate relationships. Sometimes couples will wonder why they’ve drifted far apart and then realize they never actually spend any time together. They still love each other but love also takes activity.
Removing judgment from your boyfriend’s activities and from yours, it’s clear that there are missing points of connection for the two of you. That lack of connection may be making the physical attraction and differing food habits loom so large.
As you note, people will change, their bodies will change, their lifestyles will change. Good communication keeps those changes in context. In your quest to determine if you’re still attracted to your boyfriend, focus less on the “no’s” and ask yourself if there are any “yeses.”
What do you talk about? What do you like to do together? What excites you about him? His lack of enthusiasm for running, a thing you care about, may make it seem like he doesn’t have any passions of his own. Is that actually true?
The physical is important, but the physical is ever-changing and always connected to the mental and the emotional. You may have outgrown each other, or you may need to reintroduce yourselves to each other. It’s worth finding out.
Dear Eric: I had a Mexican vacation planned with three very good friends and our spouses. My one friend goes there quite often and was going to be there an additional two weeks after the week we were all to be together. Her son and his girlfriend (whom I have never met) also go quite often. The son and girlfriend planned a visit the same time we were going but he won’t be staying with us.
Fast-forward to booking a place to stay. We are quoted our share of the rental with her son staying with us because it would be “cheaper.”
Am I wrong for backing out because that’s not what I agreed to? Is it selfish to expect a trip with just your friends?
Why am I the only one who seemed to have a problem with the additional guests?
– Not That Fun
Dear Fun: This is a different vacation than the one you envisioned so it doesn’t strike me as selfish to want what you want. It would be one thing if everyone had their own rentals and the son and his girlfriend would only be joining for some meals or activities. That could be quite fun. But in the closer quarters of a shared rental, the dynamic changes.
Yes, cost is a major factor in vacation planning, but the concept for the vacation is equally important. You go away to be with the people that you know and care about. Your experience of a new place is going to change based on who you’re with and what kind of conversations you can have. So, it would behoove whoever is leading the charge on planning to acknowledge that a cheaper per couple rate is not the only objective.
And even though it is cheaper, it still costs money. Probably a significant amount of money. So, it makes sense that you’d opt not to spend your money on something you don’t want.
If your friendship can withstand the disruption of you backing out, it makes sense to do so. However – a BIG however – it’s easy to see how this could become a point of contention, especially if your friend takes it personally (“how dare you not want to spend time with my son?”). That’s a cost that you don’t want to pay.
Talk it out again from a place of possibility rather than rejection. Tell them about the vacation you envisioned and why and see if, together, you can figure out a way to still make that happen.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)