Dear Eric: I’m a newly married 69-year-old woman who was previously a widow after 43 years of marriage. My present husband and I have been married for a little over a year. We dated in high school and coincidentally ended up together.
Prior to getting married, my husband didn’t ever mention he wanted to go on an African Safari with his adult son and now it has come up frequently. I have made it clear it upsets me that he wants to do this, travel without me, and made it clear I am not paying for this adventure of his. Why would I not be included? But I would never desire to go on an African Safari either.
I don’t understand it, this wanting to be away from me for that long. It hurts me deeply that they didn’t do this stuff all those years when he was single. Now he’s retired so possibly that’s why his son has come up with this idea. His son barely comes around as he struggles with anxiety.
I do not know how to handle this. It tears me apart to think this man I’ve fallen in love with thinks nothing of being away from me for so long. I married this man to be a couple through thick and thin.
Please help me come to grips with all of this. Am I being unreasonable and unfair?
– Left At Home
Dear Left: Let’s look at this from your husband’s point-of-view – he’s recently retired, so he finally has more time for bucket list items. He’s also newly married, so it’s likely that his free time is less available for events with his son than it might have been before you were together. It makes sense, then, that they’d want to do this once-in-a-lifetime trip together. I would strongly encourage you to celebrate this with him, instead of begrudging it. In short, it is unfair to hold this trip against him.
Be happy for your husband but don’t beat yourself up too much. Transitioning to this new relationship after a 43-year marriage is going to take some adjustment. You love each other, but you’re also still learning about each other.
But, for the health of your relationship, it will be important for you to remember that both you and your husband have full lives. While you’re committed to building a life together, there are going to be things that each of you does on your own.
This safari trip is not about you; it isn’t an example of your husband abandoning you. Try to see it for what it is – a rare opportunity for him to pursue a dream and a chance for you, back home, to find something that brings you joy, as well. When you’re reunited, you can tell each other what you’ve learned and discovered.
Dear Eric: I met an interesting man recently and agreed to a date, and within a few minutes of the start of it we realized we had grown up in the same town and already knew each other. I was younger by a couple of years, and we didn’t know each other well, but we shared an extended friend group. I have a vivid memory of being in the back of his truck when he intentionally hurt an animal while driving. He did not express any remorse, quite the opposite.
He wouldn’t pull over and I became physically ill. That image has stayed in my mind.
He says he’s a different person now, nearly 15 years later. I’m having a hard time even thinking about getting past it. Should I even try? Can a 17-year-old horrible person turn into a 31-year-old person with integrity and empathy? Should I try to get over this image that was seared into my 15-year-old brain?
– Old Habits
Dear Habits: He may be a new version of himself, and I certainly hope that’s the case. But his rebirth doesn’t require you to revisit your relationship. I’d say move on.
This isn’t really about him. This is about the events that you both have to live with in the past. What you experienced in the past was traumatic and it hasn’t left you ever since. There may be little he can do to help lessen the emotional impact. So, declining to pursue a relationship isn’t about punishing him in the present so much as it’s about acknowledging some actions in your shared history are too large to get around.
None of us is our past. We are allowed to change, to grow, to make amends. But our changes don’t require other people to change or to forget. This memory does not seem like a good foundation on which to build a relationship. I know that dating can be hard, but there are other fish in the sea.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)