Dear Eric: A friend of mine is a lovely woman, and a real animal lover. The problem is that she lives near some woods and feeds the wild animals that come to her yard. I’m not talking about just putting out a bird feeder, but she feeds opossums, raccoons, deer and other creatures, and gets a lot of pleasure out of doing so. It is not recommended that anyone feed wild animals in this way. It is bad for the animals and for you, for lots of
reasons.
This week a black bear came up to her back door, putting herself and her neighbors at risk. (She thought it was cute.) What can I say to discourage her from doing this? She absolutely considers herself a saint for “helping out God’s creatures,” and she is not receptive to contrary suggestions.
– Also an Animal Lover, But…
Dear Animal Lover: Opossums, and raccoons and bears?! Oh my. You’re correct that feeding wild animals is potentially quite dangerous for them and for your friend. The Department of Agriculture is quite clear on this. Wild animals have specialized diets and can die if they’re fed the wrong foods. Wild animals who grow too accustomed to people are at risk of becoming too aggressive, resulting in injury to others, or too comfortable around moving vehicles, resulting in their own injury. In short, unless your friend is an expert on wildlife, she’s not doing them the service she might think she is.
You can direct her to the Department of Agriculture’s Wildlife Services (https://www.aphis.usda.gov/wildlife-services), where they don’t mince words about why this isn’t a wise idea and give suggestions for ways of better living in harmony with wild animals.
But if she’s not receptive to contrary suggestions, chances are she’s already heard what experts say and has decided to do what she wants anyway. This makes me sad for her and for the animals. It’s best to enjoy viewing wildlife from a distance, so that they can stay wild and stay safe.
Dear Eric: In the age of Ozempic weight loss, I have an etiquette question. When you see a friend who has lost so much weight, what is the proper thing to say? Saying, “Wow, you look great” makes it sound like they didn’t look good before. Yet, you can’t ignore the change. I’ve been trying to come up with something appropriate, but I’m at a loss.
– What to Say
Dear What to Say: In general, it’s best to not comment on other people’s physical appearance, so I’d say yes, you can ignore the change. People’s bodies change for all kinds of reasons – weight loss programs, medications, surgery, illness, exercise and more. There’s no shame in looking different or wanting to look different. But the invitation for public commentary is often erroneously assumed. Unless someone says, “I’m feeling great after taking Ozempic and I’m glad I did it,” or something like that, you don’t need to comment.
Dear Eric: I wanted to add a perspective to “Sad Aunt”, who felt great resentment at her nephews who were “gatekeepers” when they were caring for their dying father.
My grandmother was a very social and funny woman. She never met a stranger.
When she was diagnosed with late-stage lung cancer, her decline was very surprising and very fast. My father and I flew in to help support, while she was in hospice at home (shoutout to the incredible team of hospice workers who cared for her).
It was very shocking and painful for her, and suddenly, this woman who loved nothing more than having her home filled with as many people as possible for a “sit and visit” wanted no one but her sons and grandchildren near her.
My father was tasked with “gatekeeping” and respecting her wishes. I knew many family members were not happy when he had to turn down phone calls and visits.
End-of-life care is heartbreaking and exhausting. While it may seem, and may very possibly be, a hostile act from the brother’s children, another strong possibility is that his children were rallying around him and giving the care he requested. Perhaps seeing that his children were able to care and reconnect so deeply after a fraught marriage and divorce is heartening. Maybe reaching out with gratitude to his children with compassion and for their care of your dear brother can help bridge a new relationship and together you can all learn and share new memories of your brother and create new bonds.
– Most Grateful Granddaughter
Dear Granddaughter: I’m sorry for the loss of your grandmother and I appreciate this alternative perspective for the letter writer. Sometimes with familial questions that can’t be answered, it’s best to lead with empathy and assume the most generous explanation.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)