Dear Eric: Nine years ago, we moved into our dream retirement home. We’ve been incredibly happy with our choice except for one thing. Our next-door neighbors moved in about a year after we did. The previous owners of their home had installed a large homemade sandbox with railroad ties and a plywood covering. We never saw their kids play in it and had high hopes that the new homeowners would quickly do away with the eyesore of this “sandbox.”
Eight years later it is still there, the plywood covering is caving in, and it is quite visible from our dining and living room windows. I’ve been tempted many times over the years to say something but have chosen not to.
We have a good relationship with our neighbors and we’ve been very good neighbors, helping them in many ways, over the years. After all these years of looking at the sandbox, I’m having a lot of resentment that they’ve done nothing to get rid of it. We do not have an HOA. It is their property, I understand, but is there any way I can approach them and ask them to get rid of it? My fear is that asking them to remove it would be crossing a line.
– Sight for Sore Eyes
Dear Eyes: Well, first the part you already know: even the best of neighbors are unlikely to make changes to their property to improve the views of the people next door. If it’s not bothering your neighbors, or seems like too big a hassle to remove, they’re probably not thinking about what it looks like from your windows.
This is OK. People have all kinds of reasons for making improvements to their homes or not making them. Try to temper your resentment by remembering that the lingering presence of the sandbox is not about you.
However, since you have a good relationship with them, you can bring it up in casual conversation without making an ask. You can mention you’ve noticed it’s looking worse for the wear and ask if they’ve ever considered getting rid of it. If they’re open to it, you might even offer suggestions about what goes in its place. By talking to them about it in this way, you keep the focus on what they want rather than what you want. Who knows, maybe you both want the same thing, and they just haven’t gotten around to doing anything about it. What you don’t want is for them to think of your frustration every time they look at the sandbox. Rather, through conversation they might start to see it as an opportunity for something new.
Dear Eric: I often need help with tech support. When I call I sometimes get a representative with a strong accent that I can’t understand. What is a polite way to address this? I sometimes just thank them and hang up and call back hoping I will get someone that I understand. For the record, my hearing is perfect.
– Need Help
Dear Help: When you call a customer service or help line, you and the representative have the same goal – solving the problem, hopefully quickly. So, encountering communication issues – whether they’re due to a bad connection, trouble understanding one another, or anything else – keeps everyone from their goal. It’s no one’s fault and so it’s fine to just put it out there by saying, “I’m sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you. Is there someone else I can speak with?” By phrasing it in this way, you keep the focus on the goal – clear communication – without casting judgment on the way the representative speaks.
Dear Eric: I’m writing about the person who didn’t want to discuss religion with pushy People (“Still Trying to Be Polite”). Your advice was good – to give a general answer and not get into a discussion.
I was a therapist for 40 years and my clients frequently felt pushed into explaining themselves when they didn’t really want to. We used the “Broken Record Technique” when this happened. Pushy people usually don’t take no for an answer. In this case, my client and I practiced saying the same generic reply over and over – never varying: “I don’t discuss religion,” “I don’t discuss religion,” etc. etc. If pushy people see that they aren’t going to get anywhere, they eventually stop.
This is very hard for people who were taught to be polite to others. But this technique is very effective with people who were not trained to consider the feelings of others.
– Play the Record Again
Dear Record: This is a great tactic. And folks who are worried about coming off as impolite can find a phrase that feels comfortable for them and repeat that. The point is no one has to share any information that they don’t want to.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)