Dear Eric: I’m a 40-year-old single mom of twin 5-year-olds. I’m a professional woman, but due to my commitments to my children and the overall daily grind, I have little to no time for socialization and dating.
However, I need occasional help around the house, and my cousin (let’s call her Jen) was kind enough to refer me to her handyman. He’s helped me with several projects over the last year, and I sense a mutual physical attraction.
I am aware that my cousin had a sexual relationship with this man at some point long ago, but it was never serious, and she is currently in a new relationship and very much in love. Would I be awful to pursue this new friend? I am lonely and find very few opportunities to meet new people with my time constraints. I could really benefit from some fun.
– Lonely in NYC
Dear Lonely in NYC: Awful? No. If you’re worrying about betraying your cousin, she can’t (and doesn’t seem to want to) lay claim to every former paramour. But there are a lot of intertwined relationships here, so I would tread more carefully than if the handyman was just a casual acquaintance.
First, there’s the fact that he’s working for you, specifically in your home. If you were to pursue a relationship with him, I’d first find another handyman and be clear with him about why.
But you’re both adults and any adult entering into a romantic or sexual relationship should be communicative about boundaries, pitfalls and needs. So, you and he should have an adult conversation before going any further. What are your needs, what are his, what are the concerns, where do things get hazy? Is what you want – something that fits into your life and schedule – what he wants?
It sounds like your ideal situation right now is something simple. And even though he’s attracted to you and already in your home sometimes, I don’t know that this is as simple as it seems. If this was a Hallmark movie – call it “Mr. Fix-It,” perhaps – the courtship would be sealed by a series of glances and a sudden rainstorm. But life is not a Hallmark movie. No offense to Hallmark movies, we’re better for it because we get to talk things out and avoid confusion. No rainstorms needed.
Dear Eric: My sister and her husband visit my area at least once a year. They presume they’re going to stay at my home with each visit. In turn, she expects my husband and I to visit her while we travel through her area.
I can no longer do this.
She’s a loud, chaotic and competitive narcissist, who I cringe being around. Her noise battery never runs out and the thin ice on our relationship is ready to crack.
It’s taken me a lifetime to work through the scars created by her insecure, never wrong, center stage, toxic ego and I’m living my life no longer behind her.
I’ve quietly and repeatedly tried to help, for I know she struggles with herself, but my attempts are fruitless.
For my own sanity, I won’t host her here any longer, or visit, but I don’t know how to approach this without her having one of her typical major meltdowns. I value your thoughts.
– Love Her But Dislike Her
Dear Love Her: A guest can’t simply put in a reservation for your house without your say. So, you can avoid her visits by making yourself and your home unavailable the next time. Tell her you don’t have the capacity to host, or you’ll be out of town, or you just can’t make it work.
However, a change of this size – stopping both her visits and yours – requires more than just taking a date off of the calendar. It’s disrupting an established pattern, and some conflict is likely going to be unavoidable.
Is it possible to find alternatives that she’ll actually commit to and that will satisfy your need for a new way of relating? If, for instance, you switched from visits to phone calls, would that change things for you? This may not be the answer, but by starting to think about what you do want, rather than what you don’t, you’ll be able to open up new doors.
It’s important that you not allow your sister’s reactions to dictate your actions. This puts you in the same predicament you’re already in. Avoiding another meltdown may not be the goal. The goal may be that you get to say who visits you and when, and how they behave when they do. Boundaries can protect relationships as much as they define them. If your sister can respect a clearly communicated internal boundary, then you two can move forward. If she can’t or won’t, it’s not your responsibility to adjust.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)