Dear Eric: I’ve just turned 40 this past year. The last 15 years I was in a horrible drug addiction. I lied and hurt and did terrible things to a lot of people, especially my family.
About eight years ago they officially disowned me. Understandable.
I’ve cleaned up and got my act together six years ago. At first, I tried to force my way back into their lives, which all refuted. I lashed out, said horrible things and stopped trying to be in their lives. My mom will stop by on my birthday for 10 minutes or so and drop a card off at Christmas. As for my two older brothers and my father, it’s radio silence.
I guess what I’m asking is, what do I do to fix this and fast, as I said I’ve turned 40 this year, my parents are both 70. Time is running out, and I couldn’t imagine living my life without some kind of acceptance from my father. Or knowing he did or does love me.
My heart breaks at the thought, but this is a real pickle. How can I fix a problem when the ones I need to fix it with won’t talk to me? Do I just keep ignoring their existence and put on this façade that I don’t care to my wife and 4-year-old son? What picture am I painting to my son, as he’s been guilty by association you could say as he has never spent time with his grandparents or uncles or even my nieces and nephews?
– Discombobulated
Dear Discombobulated: There’s a saying in some recovery communities – perhaps you’ve heard it – time takes time. This means that you accumulate sober days one at a time; there’s no fast track to long-term recovery, unfortunately. Similarly, there is no fast track to healing years of hurt and distrust. This can be hard to accept. It may feel like you’re trapped in your old self and your old actions. But you have to accumulate days in your new way of life one at a time, too.
If you’re in a recovery program, like Narcotics Anonymous or SMART Recovery, keep working it. Talk to your sponsor or peer support group about your desire to make amends to your relatives and mend those relationships. Ask yourself if you’ve fully acknowledged and apologized for the things that you did during active addiction. If not, a letter doing so is a good place to start.
I know this causes you a lot of pain, and possibly shame. But you’re not your past and you’re not the worst things you’ve done. Let your wife know what you’re really feeling. Continuing to put up a façade will only hurt your relationship and could endanger your sobriety. Tell the truth. That’s how things change, little by little.
Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married for 15 years. He has children from his first wife, as I have boys from my first marriage. Recently we were at a birthday party at my stepson’s home for one of our grandchildren. The kids, aged five through nine, were punching Uncle Rick in the stomach as hard as they could.
The gentleman sitting next to me said, “I do not like the hitting.” I said I agree, “I think it is disrespectful.” My daughter-in-law just about jumped over the table and said, “it is not disrespectful, they are playing.”
They now no longer speak to me, and I have been banished from their house. My stepson said I disrespected my daughter-in-law. I stand by my statement. I do not think kids should be allowed to punch a grown man in the stomach for fun. Your thoughts?
– Banned Mother-in-Law
Dear Mother-in-Law: The punishment doesn’t fit the crime. Banishment is too extreme. However, it’s worth looking at what’s happening outside of the frame.
First, the word disrespectful was tossed around a lot. Is it possible that your daughter-in-law felt you were criticizing her parenting in an unwarranted way? This isn’t to say that the kids should have been punching their uncle. It wouldn’t have been my choice. But Uncle Rick also has bodily autonomy and may have chosen not to stop them because he didn’t mind. It’s impossible for me to say, but if that was the case, one can see how other people’s opinions about the punching might not have been welcome.
Your stance on this matter isn’t outrageous, though. One hopes that your stepson and daughter-in-law are teaching their children how to play safely and respectfully (and without violence). But even if they’ve missed the mark on this one, it may be for family unity for you to agree to disagree and tell your daughter-in-law that you didn’t mean to malign her parenting and you’d like to start over.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)