Dear Eric: My friend and I are in our mid-70s. We participate in several activities together – a book club, a continuing education class, et cetera. We often carpool together. I have begun to be very alarmed about my friend’s driving habits. She brakes unexpectedly, veers across the center line and seems quite distracted. I’m more and more reluctant to get in a car that she is driving, as I actually think I might be in danger.
How do I handle this situation? Her husband of more than 50 years is probably unaware of her driving habits, since I believe that he always drives when they are in the car together. I’ve been coming up with excuses to drive separately, but I would happily take her as my passenger, if she didn’t insist on returning the favor.
– Nervous
Dear Nervous: It’s crucial for your safety, her safety and the safety of everyone else with whom she shares the road that you speak with her directly about this before you next get in the car together. Even if you choose not to ride with her again, you should still have the conversation. It can be kind and non-judgmental, but it’s important for you to point out the dangerous driving habits you’re noticing. You’re not reprimanding her, even if she takes it as such. You’re expressing concern.
It can be hard for any adult to receive critique about their driving. They don’t make car horns sound pleasant for a reason. Honestly, I really wish that all adults had to retake their driving test every 10 years or so. (And, please, I don’t need feedback on the feasibility of my plan. I’m not running for public office on this platform. Quite simply: our cars need tune-ups and so do we. It’s reasonable to think that some of the lessons we learned at 16 might slip our minds as adulthood goes on.)
You might be the first person in your friend’s life to ask her to think critically about her driving skills. Expressing your concern gives her the opportunity to be more present, to seek improvement or to drive less or not at all, if that’s what’s deemed appropriate. In the meantime, by having this conversation, you also open the door to give her rides without reciprocation.
Dear Eric: I invited my sisters to visit because a family member in my town is coordinating a family artistic project. Coincidentally, I had a fall last week and have limited mobility due to my injuries. I offered them my car to use, since I am laid up for several weeks.
One sister booked a flight to come spend eight days with me. The family project is one day.
First of all, I would have appreciated her checking with me first, before buying her tickets. It’s what I have always done when visiting her. I enjoy my time alone and am managing fine, using a wheelchair to get around the house.
She plans to do a bunch of cooking, to set me up before she leaves. Although that’s a nice offer, I really don’t want her doing all that. I don’t eat that much, and her food tastes and mine aren’t all that similar.
I said her trip sounds a bit too long. She asked if she should cancel her trip. I replied she didn’t need to do that, but I said that a relative that stayed with me immediately after my injury was very helpful but got on my nerves after four days and I helped make arrangements for them to return home.
She said she can take a genealogy trip about an hour away to research family history one day. I am not thrilled with the idea of her taking my new car on a day-long road trip.
How do I tell her I cannot bear to have a houseguest for that long, without hurting her feelings? I have always told family members they are welcome to visit, but anything more than three or four days is too long. She and I have a history of friction. I love my sisters, but really love my time alone, too.
– Fish and Houseguests
Dear Houseguests: Your sister already offered you the out when she asked if you wanted her to cancel the trip. So, it’s fine to circle back and take it, or a version of it. Although you have a history of friction, from your letter it seems that your sister is trying to find compromises and alternatives that keep everyone happy. So, tell her what you need: ask her to reduce her trip to three or four days. This way, she can see you, do the family genealogy trip and help in whatever ways you actually need, and you can get the peace and quiet you desire.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)