Dear Eric: My three daughters have grown children and celebrate their children’s birthdays by each family going out to dinner with its immediate members. When my grandchildren were small, the families had at-home celebrations to which I was always invited. I miss those times, especially since I am no longer invited to the out-to-dinners, at which I would gladly pay for my meal. Is it too much to ask to be included in celebrating my grandchildren?
– Wants to Celebrate
Dear Celebrate: It’s certainly not too much to ask. Now, forgive me for posing what might be a simplistic question, but have you asked if you can come along?
As your daughters shifted their families’ plans, it may not have occurred to them that you’d want to come, especially with a restaurant dinner being less of an event than, say, a themed party at the house with a one-year-old smashing cake. So, if you haven’t asked about attending, please do. It may even seem like a non-event for them, something you would be less inclined to join. I’d like to believe this is less a case of your daughters trying to exclude you and more a case of them trying to manage everyone’s wants.
If, however, you have asked about it and gotten a non-answer or gotten rebuffed, try to think of ways that you can create a memory with your grandchildren around the time of their birthdays that will be meaningful to you and to them. Maybe it’s a day out doing something, maybe it’s a visit, maybe it’s something else that matches their individual personalities. Celebrations are what we make of them – they don’t have to be limited to a certain day or a certain group.
When I was growing up, our family had a red plate that was, I believe, sold by mail and had the words “You are special today” printed on it. For birthdays, scholastic achievements and other random celebrations, my parents would bring out that red plate for me or my siblings. Most of the time, we’d just have regular dinner on it, but to be the person eating off of the “You are special today” plate felt so momentous and rare. As an adult, I still long for that thrill. See if you can find something simple, but momentous and rare to share with your adult grandkids.
Dear Eric: We have a condo at the beach that has a pool. There is a couple that we know through other people that we are not friendly with, and they have a condo in another building without a pool.
Every summer, the wife texts me for the code to my pool. She uses the pool all summer long.
I’ve been kind in sharing our code with her for several years now. She always presents me with a $50 gift card for the whole summer. You can barely get two drinks for that these days.
They could very well afford to buy a condo with a pool, but they chose not to.
Should I continue to give her the code to our pool? I just feel if she knew that she exercised in a pool every day and didn’t buy a condo with a pool that’s on her.
Of course, our condo fees are higher as we have pool expenses. What do you think?
– Cracking the Code
Dear Code: I think she’s getting away with an unheard-of bargain. Fifty dollars for an entire summer, from someone with whom she’s not even friends? She got very lucky when she met you.
You have the power and the right to redefine the terms of this arrangement any time you want. You don’t have a pre-existing relationship, and it sounds like, beyond the text and the gift card, you don’t have much contact now. So, she has no right to expect this. And I can’t imagine that if your condo board got wind of this, they’d be pleased. Check your condos by-laws; this could be a bigger issue than you think.
I think you should pull the plug on the whole arrangement. Blame the board or tell the truth. Whatever you’d like. You’re doing something nice for her, but I don’t quite understand why. If there are public pools in your area, she can use them. Or she can join a gym with a pool or a private club. There are other options. Or she can move into your building.
If you do decide to keep giving her the code, raise the price to match the pool expenses lumped into your condo fees. But frankly, this might create more problems than it solves. If she was a one-time guest, it would be a different story, but she’s taking up summer residence, which affects you and your neighbors.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)