Dear Eric: My wife of 50 years told me that she no longer wants to live with me. I am currently living in our summer home with no friends or social contacts/networks. She has no interest in reconciling.
We didn’t fight or argue, and I am at a loss as to what triggered her declaration. This has taken me totally by surprise. I thought we had a good marriage, with occasional ups and downs. There are no abuse, addiction or infidelity issues. I worked my whole life and am now retired. As soon as we had children, she was able to stay at home and lived comfortably raising our children and taking care of the household. The children have sided with their mom and won’t speak to me. I think she has poisoned them against me, but don’t see the gain in her doing that.
I am miserable. I am 74 with neurological mobility issues. I fear that I will fall, and no one will be around. Senior housing for me is too expensive and will deplete our planned retirement resources. We were counting on eventually selling our summer home to supplement our finances later in life. This is no longer possible as I am living in that house. This is not how I wanted the last chapters of my life to end.
I have had five sessions of therapy with no results. My therapist says I’m not at risk to myself or others and I am perpetually slightly depressed but not debilitated. Without more concrete information, he cannot help me. I am not a bad person, yet here I am.
– Totally Betrayed
Dear Betrayed: First off, I’m concerned about the therapist’s response. Even without major depression, a therapist can help you process the shock of your separation and plan your next steps. So, you should set an appointment with another therapist with those stated goals up front.
I’m not sure whether the lack of “concrete information” indicates a failing of the therapist’s or indicates that you’re holding back. Therapy can help us acknowledge the things that we refuse to admit to ourselves, but you can also start to do some of this work on your own, if there are parts of your story that you haven’t included. It’s concerning, for instance, that your children have stopped speaking to you. Without more information, I can’t say what that’s about, but it suggests that there’s something you need to unpack. It’s useful to ask yourself what that is.
It’s equally important that you find safety and stability. Talk to a divorce lawyer and a financial planner about what has happened and what needs to happen moving forward. They can help you sort out the issues with the house and retirement. Talk to your doctor about the possibility of a home health aide or a connection to a social worker. There are options out there for you.
I’m sorry that you feel blindsided by this. But accepting that this is what is happening right now and taking proactive steps will keep you safe.
Dear Eric: I have been friends with Hal since high school; we are both in our late 70s. Hal is well off financially and he and his wife have no children. Hal has invited me to stay at his home, and we have traveled together numerous times. The problem is that he is a cheapskate, always looking for bargains and freebies. Hal has scored a bargain plane ticket and has invited himself to stay with my wife and me for five days. He is too cheap to stay at a hotel and rent a car and expects me to provide lodging and transportation. My wife really doesn’t want to spend that much time with this tightwad. Am I obligated to him and how can I say no?
– Guest Room Closed
Dear Guest Room: As with any prospective guest, you can always tell Hal that it’s not a good time for visitors. But before you hang the “No Vacancy” sign up, consider Hal’s perspective. If you’ve stayed over at his place, doesn’t it stand to reason that he’d think of a stay at your place not as an imposition but rather just part of your friendship? With that view, this may be less a cheapskate’s way out and more just one friend asking for a favor returned from another friend. Or, even, a desire to have some quality time.
Now, if your wife doesn’t care for Hal, that’s another story. You needn’t impose on her simply to appease him. But there’s nothing inherently wrong with being a bargain hunter or wanting to save money on a hotel if you’ve got a nearby friend. Personally, I’d suggest he rent a car, though. Five days of chauffeuring will likely grate on you.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)