Dear Eric: By the time I was 8, I knew something was wrong with me. Babies that couldn’t be told not to would stare at my odd face. Sometimes I’d catch adults doing the same. It made me very uncomfortable.
I felt sick all of the time. No one knew why, but as a teen my deformities spread, and I had to have two grueling surgeries for spinal abnormalities. Afterward, I came up with elaborate ways to make up my face, do my hair and dress to disguise my oddities
Through the years, other rare seemingly unrelated health problems arose. I have had to have nearly 20 more surgeries, two that literally saved my life.
The problem is that I brought all of my damaging coping behaviors into the life of my daughter. The pressure I inadvertently put on her to look pretty only made her terribly insecure. Forty years later, the additional effects of aging and childbearing have convinced her she’s so ugly and unattractive that she might as well give up. Even though she’s a good-looking woman! She is now severely obese and wears rags for clothing that reinforce her thinking.
This breaks my heart. Because I got so messed up myself, I do not know how to help her.
– Sad and Confused
Dear Sad and Confused: First, please work on forgiving yourself for not giving your daughter what you didn’t have to give. While you may have put pressure on her or allowed some of the pain you were processing to impact her, you were and still are also a person trying to navigate the world as best you can. So, grant yourself some grace.
And grant your daughter grace, too. No one is created in a vacuum. You didn’t single-handedly shape her personality, and you don’t have the power to single-handedly change her mind about herself.
But there’s incredible power in vulnerability and honesty. It can transform the relationship you have with your daughter and the relationship you have with yourself. First, if you’re not already doing so, work on processing the trauma you’ve experienced around your health and body image with a counselor. Once you’ve made some progress, you’ll be in a good state of mind to share with your daughter what you experienced and what you wish you had done differently.
The goal, however, shouldn’t be making her change. That’s her work to do. And if you are sharing with her with the intention that she behave or think differently, it’s likely to have a negative impact on her. Instead, try to work toward accepting her for who she is. That will have the most meaningful impact.
Dear Eric: I live in a fairly upscale apartment building of a few hundred units located in a fairly upscale part of a city. It’s quite a nice, new building and I enjoy living there.
But one apartment on the first floor has a bad odor that emanates from it when walking past the door. Because the apartment also opens from the back to the pool, the odor is heavy across a large swath of the lounging area.
The smell is revolting. The best way to describe it (and I’m not exaggerating) is a combination of rotting garbage mixed with dirty diapers that somebody is trying to cover up with cheap fabric softener. I am sure of which apartment it is coming from, because one day I was passing by the door just as the 20-something female tenant was going in and the very recognizable putrid stench blasted out like a wrecking ball slamming me in the gut.
I’m a bit older, in my early 50s. In an era in which anybody like me who complains gets labeled as an entitled “Karen,” I hate to report it to the young “agents” who staff the leasing office. I just suspect they’ll scoff at the old guy and do nothing. I also have a heart and don’t want to mortify the young woman.
I’m stunned that nobody else has complained. But maybe they’re like me and have no idea what to do. Do you?
– Revolted Neighbor
Dear Neighbor: At the risk of getting on a soapbox, I have to say that the term “Karen” has outlived its usefulness, if it ever had any. It’s an imprecise catchall and these days we’d all benefit from being clearer in our language and intent. (Not to mention, it makes life annoying for a number of people named Karen whom I quite like.)
All that to say, alert building management, if for no other reason than if the smell is that bad and that consistent, it strongly suggests a larger problem that could put the resident or other residents at risk. For her safety and yours, say something to someone who has the authority to respectfully investigate.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)