Dear Eric: I am the mother of a wild child. The other day, she ran into our house and asked for a Band-Aid because her friend scraped his knee. The boy had what I would describe as “the most gnarly gash” I’ve seen since I left the military.
The cut missed major blood vessels, but at least partially severed a tendon. We sent a messenger to his mom, treated him for shock and covered the wound, but didn’t really do anything medical. When mom showed up, I did the magic trick of distracting the boy while showing mom how bad it was. I offered to watch her other kids until she could get a family member or sitter they knew. Turns out they had grandma over, so I wasn’t needed.
The next day, we found a thank you note and a $100 gift card in our mailbox. I don’t think I did anything worthy of that. I think I did the bare minimum required of a human being and did not expect anything from it.
My question is, when my own daredevil scrapes her knee this way, is there a reference guide on how to express gratitude to the bystander or first responder? Does the dollar amount of the gift card change depending on the severity of the injury?
– Mom of a Wild Child
Dear Mom: Try as I might, I haven’t found a price list for “treatment of grievous bloody injuries” outside of an insurance company’s website. You mention your service in the military, and I wonder if you’re downplaying the comprehensiveness of the care you gave to your daughter’s friend. The gift card may be a reflection both of the mom’s appreciation and also an expression of how impressed she was by your levelheadedness and competence. Neither is a guarantee. Her gift is a kind gesture and not required.
After a quite scary emergency department visit for a food allergy reaction, I sent an Edible Arrangement to convey my thanks, but that reflected my emotions (“thanks for snatching me back from the jaws of death; food is weird, right?”), rather than a repayment of a debt. It really is the thought that counts, so a card with a genuine note can be just as meaningful should your daughter need the aid of a bystander or EMT.
Also, if you feel uncomfortable about the amount of the gift card, consider using it to treat your daughter, her friend, and maybe the friend’s mom to a fun lunch or day at an activity center (maybe one of those pad-covered ones where they’re less likely to get hurt).
Dear Eric: My 15-year-old grandson moved in with me about seven months ago. We are fine together but his mom refuses to allow him to go to a “brick and mortar” school. He has Marfan Syndrome and must be careful of his heart. But he was removed from public school and really wants to be a more normal kid.
My daughter apparently gets her medical for her whole family covered under my grandson. She wrote to him saying if he goes to a school here where I live then he’d have to use my address and he’d be responsible for her dying, her dad going mental and his older sister hemorrhaging all because they’d lose their medical if he lived with me.
My daughter says my grandson and I are both selfish to want his “social life” over his family’s health.
Might I add that there are four adults in the house and when my grandson was there, he slept in a closet! Is there any option besides turning her in to CPS?
– Protective Grandmother
Dear Grandmother: It’s not clear to me what, if any, legal arrangements have been made so far regarding custody of your grandchild. That feels like an important factor here, considering he is living with you, and you’ll need to be responsible for many decisions regarding his care. Grandparents’ rights to visitation and custody vary by state. Start by familiarizing yourself with your state’s laws. See if filing for custody is something that you can do. It’s advisable to talk to a family law attorney, if you can. They’ll also be able to advise you about any stipulations regarding your grandson’s schooling and your current family arrangement.
It’s not appropriate for your daughter to make your grandson feel responsible for his family’s medical coverage. And I’m not certain how she’s pulling this off in the first place. Fraud (if it is fraud) would endanger your grandson’s medical coverage, too, so speaking with the insurance provider and clarifying what’s covered may also be an option for you, should you gain custody. Knowing your rights and responsibilities will better equip you to protect your grandson and set him up for success.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)