Dear Eric: My cousin recently passed away after a long hospitalization. We were very close. I sent a sympathy card with money to the family, but I was sent the money back. I have never heard of this happening in my life. What do you make of this?
I talked to other family members, and their money wasn’t returned to them. I’ve sent out a lot of cards with money in them. We have a large family. I never received money back before this.
Can you advise me on this? I’m having a hard time understanding this. Am I wrong to question this action?
– Returned Gift
Dear Gift: I’ve heard of people who, in the immediate aftermath of the death of a loved one, find themselves inundated with casseroles. Pyrex as far as the eye can see. It’s a kindness that sometimes stretches the limits of their appetites and their freezers. I wonder if something similar happened with your kindness. Perhaps the sentiment was appreciated but the family found they’d received enough money to cover the expenses and wanted you to be able to spend your money elsewhere.
Now, this is just conjecture. It would have been wise of them to send a note. “Thank you so much. We have more than we need, and your love, so we’re returning your kind gift to you with that same love.” Something like that.
Since no note was provided, it’s fine to ask. Frame it as a curiosity, which is what it seems to be. “I was surprised to get the money I sent back. I’m not insulted, but I was wondering why. Can you help me understand?”
Dear Eric: I’m asking for advice about one of my sisters, the fourth of five. Four years ago, my husband of 35 years unexpectedly died – he was gone within eight hours of entering the ER. It was traumatic for me. My large family of siblings showed up.
At the time, the sister in question phoned and said she couldn’t come because her daughter was having her third child, but she would come in a month or so. Time passed and no visit.
Three months later, my house burned down. Again, the phone call, with promises of coming to see me; never happened.
It’s been almost four years now with little or no communication from her. Meanwhile, she and her husband have traveled the world extensively with their children and friends.
I think part of the issue is that she has always been envious of me and my life. She married money and hasn’t worked a day in her life; I, on the other hand have worked very hard, started my business and built my own wealth through hard work and wise investments
She talks down to people (especially servers) and it is hard to be around her; clearly, she thinks she is better than everyone else.
Should she contact me, should I tell her what a horrible person she is? Or should I just not answer the phone? I don’t miss her in my life, but eventually I know I’ll have to deal with this, but how?
– Tired of the Neglect
Dear Tired: Let the call go to voicemail.
She didn’t show up for you in times of need. You, also, from your telling, don’t really like her. I don’t see what hashing it out on the phone is going to do.
Sometimes a relationship exists in name only. Sometimes we realize that people have saved us the trouble of removing them from our lives through their own failure to show up.
This may sound callous; I don’t mean it to be. If you were interested in reconciling or improving your relationship with your sister, I’d offer different advice. But the conversation you’re envisioning would add little but stress. I don’t see how it helps either one of you.
Dear Eric: You always give great advice, and I have learned a lot by reading your column. I would like to offer an additional suggestion to “Our Last Reunion”, who is getting together with siblings at Thanksgiving and does not want to spend time rehashing resentments and complaints about their parents.
When I get together with my siblings this happens quite often as well. I have found that having a safe word or phrase that the group all knows helps a lot. When one of us realizes that the conversation has turned in the wrong direction we say the safe word. Everyone stops, has a good laugh at being caught and the subject changes.
– Password
Dear Password: What a great suggestion. It can be so easy to fall back into old patterns or wander into dangerous conversational territory. A safe word lets anybody gently ring the alarm and redirect without pointing blame or chastising. Love it.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)