Dear Eric: I have an alcoholic neighbor with whom I am friendly. We do minor favors for each other. I am aware that he drinks and drives home from a nearby bar, which I have issues about. He drives a shuttle for airport crews and others, and I don’t believe he drinks before he does those rides. But he frequents the bar often, and then drives home, which is a mile or so.
I feel like I should tell the police before he does have a crash with terrible consequences for someone else. We live on a major highway, and I am always afraid when I know he’s gone to the bar.
I don’t want him to lose his job, or face DUI charges if he’s caught, but even more, I don’t want him to have to confront knowing he badly injured or killed someone.
I feel tormented by this. I feel guilty for thinking I should rat him out, because he helped me out quite a bit, and doing so would make me an ingrate. I am the child of an alcoholic, so I have trouble telling what’s my responsibility and what isn’t, from being taught everything was my fault. I also fear that if I don’t rat him out, and he gets in a terrible crash that kills someone, it will be my fault for not reporting him for the irresponsible behavior. Can you please clear this up for me, so I can stop spinning about it?
– A Concerned Neighbor
Dear Neighbor: Let’s shift some terminology to see things a little more clearly. If you have knowledge that someone is driving under the influence, it’s your civic duty and your legal right to alert the authorities about the danger this action poses to the driver himself and to the public. Your history as the child of someone who suffered from alcoholism may prompt you to frame this action as ratting out, but I invite you to think of it instead as showing up for your neighbors, in the same way that pulling a fire alarm would be.
You can choose to call 911 if you have knowledge of immediate danger, or many law enforcement agencies have non-emergency online portals or local numbers for reporting concerns.
You can also talk to him about your concerns and ask that he stop. But you may find that this is a situation that’s better navigated by trained people in positions of authority.
I want to be clear: if something terrible were to happen or if your neighbor fails a field sobriety test after being stopped, it would not be “your fault.” Alcoholism is a disease and while your neighbor is not a bad person for having an illness, he is responsible for what he does while suffering from that illness.
Dear Eric: My son’s second wife is trying to keep him away from me and not allow me to see his triplet daughters. She is not the children’s mother.
Before his current marriage, he and another woman had triplet girls. From the girls’ birth, he and their mother did not get along.
He married his second wife when the triplets were about three. They are now eight years old and the second wife is isolating him and the girls from me. When he somehow managed to begin talking to me again and then bringing the girls to see me, she “punished them” by saying in June that they could not stay at my house for the remainder of the year. My son agreed.
Her mother may see and keep them and so can my son’s stepmother.
My son is a hard worker, now holding three jobs; however, he does not manage money well. I believe his second wife helped him save his house.
I am trying to save the relationship between my son and me. I don’t know what else to do.
– Sad Mother and Grandmother
Dear Mother: The crux of the problem is in the sentence “my son agreed.” The relationship may be unhealthy; if she’s trying to isolate him from family, it may be a sign of emotional abuse.
To get to the bottom of it, you’ve got to have a conversation with your son. Ask him why he agreed to stay away from you, ask if there’s something unsaid between the two of you, and ask him what’s going on in his marriage that’s affecting his relationship with you.
Try to do this without judgment, while also being clear about how you feel and how this is impacting you. Seek to understand and offer help if it’s needed. Your son has to be responsible for his own decisions, and if he’s willing to keep his children and himself away from you, he should be able to articulate why.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)