Dear Eric: My friend was recently diagnosed with ADHD. She is now continually late for events or doesn’t show up at all. On one occasion my friend was coming for dinner at my house. An hour before she was due, I got a text from another friend saying they were now having dinner at her place. My first friend didn’t contact me at all, not to apologize, nothing. I’d spent a lot of money on food and was cross.
Other times she forgets to show up at all unless I remind her several times in the lead up, or she’s really late. When she does arrive, she reminds me she’s ADHD and pokes fun at me for being so uptight about time.
My mom is dying, my father is elderly with dementia and needs care from me and my sister, my daughter is ill and I’m very stressed. My time is really important to me. And I feel very sad and alone at the moment. It’s become a lot of work to maintain this friendship.
I don’t want to lose my friend. I love her. I want to be supportive of her diagnosis, but I seem to be falling short in my heart, if not overtly.
What can I do to be better at this? Can you suggest any resources that might help me understand?
– Tired
Dear Tired: It’s possible to ask for what you need in this relationship and still be sensitive to your friend’s needs. For instance, it’s not appropriate to demand that she always be on time, but you can reinforce that communication is the bedrock of any relationship, so even after the fact you’d appreciate a check in if plans are missed.
It doesn’t seem like you’re being heard. Because what you described in your letter is someone whose candle is being burned at both ends, whose time is limited, and who needs support. Your friend may not be able to show up on time for you, but she should still be showing up.
Every friendship goes through seasons. Maybe this is not the season that you two are aligned. But it’s worth having an honest, blame-free conversation about what you both need at this moment.
As for more education, you might pick up “Dirty Laundry: Why Adults with ADHD Are So Ashamed and What We Can Do to Help,” by Richard Pink and Roxanne Emery.
Dear Eric: I have a milestone birthday next year (40!) and have been telling family and friends that I’d like to have a party or gathering with them in my country of birth.
I moved away from home 15 years ago to Europe. My parents, sister and sister’s family all live in the same city in North America, in very close proximity to one another. They see each other at least three times a week, while I travel yearly (at an immense expense) for Christmas to see them (they’ve yet to visit me, even though they’ve all been to Europe, but skipped visiting me).
My sister is also planning on traveling to our birth country, but later in the summer, given that her and my brother-in-law are teachers and can’t take time off beforehand. She wants my parents and me to join her, but I said that my birthday is a milestone birthday, and I’d like to celebrate it on my actual birthday and in the place I was born.
I had told my parents that I’d like them to also travel to our home country for my birthday. Turns out, they’re going to go on the trip with my sister and her family because my mother adores my sister’s infant son. It has made me sad, because my mom’s siblings, my cousins and some of my best friends will be celebrating with me, but now my mom won’t be in the mix.
My mom is clearly choosing my sister and her family over me. How do I tell her how hurt I am and that I really want her to be there for my birthday?
– Feeling Less Than Loved
Dear Loved: Approach with “I” statements: this is what I was hoping, this is what I’m seeing, this is how I feel, this is what I would like. It’s possible that your family is seeing this as a logistical challenge, rather than an emotional choice.
From what you’ve written, the later trip works better for more of the family. That doesn’t mean your plans aren’t important, simply that they may not see it the way that you do. Being open about your feelings and then listening to the response will help everyone get on the same page.
It still may not be possible for everyone to join you for your birthday, but perhaps you can brainstorm an alternative way to celebrate for those that can’t.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)