Dear Eric: My daughter has a “live-in boyfriend” who, since he moved in, thinks he is the king of the household. He is very disrespectful to me, her dad and her stepmom.
I tolerated the stuff he said about her dad, and I tolerated him skipping paying my daughter his share of the mortgage for a few months. But when it got so she almost lost her house, I was very upset to say the least.
I said he was like a tenant and needed to help her out, which was the deal when he moved in. He read my text to her and he became enraged. He called me delusional, argumentative, a dictator and dramatic.
He also said my grandkids didn’t want to be around me. I sent his texts to my daughter and I said I need an apology from him. I never got it, and I said I never want to be around him. She told me I should talk to him first. I said he claims that he loves you and he should apologize to me and should respect me. Am I wrong?
– Disrespected Mom
Dear Mom: You’re not wrong at all. This man seems like a nightmare. It’s also possible that he is emotionally abusing your daughter, in addition to shirking his financial responsibilities. By trying to drive a wedge between you and your daughter, and you and your grandkids, he’s doing something called isolation, which is one of the hallmarks of emotional abuse.
Talk seriously, in person and privately, with your daughter about the concerns you have. Try to shift the focus from the apology you’re owed. Instead, point out the unhealthy ways that her boyfriend is behaving – controlling behavior, anger and lashing out, isolating her and her kids, and monitoring her communication. These are all dangerous. But there are resources available to your daughter. A strong family and friend support system is key, so keep in contact. You can also refer her to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-SAFE or TheHotline.org). Offer to let her use your phone, if she’s wary of him seeing who she’s calling.
Even if she doesn’t share your concerns, encourage her to just have a conversation with someone else about it. These behaviors may seem like personality quirks to her, but they’re not and they need to be addressed – potentially by removing him from the home – before they escalate.
Dear Eric: I met a person with similar interests through her parents. We had so much fun together in the beginning. Because she is an academic, she has no money. She lives with her parents in a retirement community. She is trying to get another educational opportunity that includes a small stipend and free room and board. She refuses to get a job to help her situation.
Before I realized what was happening, I paid for all the dinners and drinks. I also paid for a group trip abroad for both of us. While there, she roomed with me, but I barely saw her. She missed tour days because she stayed out until 3 a.m. and spent the next day in bed. She bought things she wanted for herself but never even paid for a cup of coffee for me.
I finally woke up and saw how this friendship was going. I have been overwhelmed with family deaths and my husband and I working on big projects around the house. She texts me and wants to do things and states that she hates living with her parents. I feel used and barely text back any longer. I feel a little bad about blowing her off, but I am tired of feeling taken advantage of.
Suggestions on how to deal with this situation? I feel guilty but angry at the same time. Do I continue avoiding her until she finally leaves?
– Reluctant Friend
Dear Friend: Avoidance is just going to prolong an uncomfortable situation. Better to address this head-on and see if there’s a path forward. You two have different attitudes about money. Hers comes across as immature, if I’m being my most generous, predatory if I’m being less so. But you’ve offered her so much generosity already, what’s the harm in extending a little more for a moment? She’s not earning money right now and her room and board are paid for, plus her new friend very graciously offered to cover drinks, meals and trips. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect a person to feel and show gratitude for these things, but I can also see how that could be a growing edge for her.
Friendships can help us mature, especially when there’s a little conflict. So, tell her why the friendship isn’t working for you right now and see if she’s capable of showing up for you in a different way.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)