Dear Eric: My partner and I (35 years) are fortunate to have multiple residences. We have always “lived together apart.” It’s unconventional, but it works for us. My primary residence is in a large urban condominium building and his is rural in a small town. We’re always together on weekends (we alternate the destination) but apart during the week.
I am very friendly, though not particularly close with many of my neighbors. It is customary to greet each other in the elevator. My partner doesn’t greet or even acknowledge others, including the door staff. He will only be friendly with a very few that we are “close” with.
We have a great relationship otherwise and very rarely argue. The last time we did, it was over this issue, because I was extremely embarrassed when one of the neighbors approached us, and he downright dismissed him.
We’ve spoken about this, but he maintains that he can pick and choose his own acquaintances. I’ve tolerated this for many years, learning to pick my battles, but this recently resurfaced and I’m at a loss.
Your thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated.
– Un-Neighborly
Dear Un-Neighborly: I empathize with you. Your building has a certain culture and when your partner dismisses that culture, it reflects poorly on you and could affect your relationships with your neighbors. It’s especially rude to not acknowledge door staff. Being impolite to service workers is unacceptable.
I’m presuming that in the arguments you’ve had about this, you’ve explained to your partner how his behavior affects you. I’m sorry that he doesn’t see the value of a simple nod or “hello.” But it may be time to accept that this is just how he is. Some in the building may take offense, but I’m sure there are plenty of others who don’t care either way or have grown used to “the grumpy man who doesn’t speak.” Also, he may not be the only one who’s brusque.
If you’re treating your neighbors the way you think they should be treated, and extending basic kindness, that’s perhaps the best that you can do.
Dear Eric: How long do you keep greeting cards like birthday, congratulations, holidays, thank you, and so on? I understand keeping those with sentimental value, but I tend to keep all of them. My sister suggested tossing them now since we’re all bound to pass away someday, and it would be more work for her to deal with them later. What’s holding me back is the emotional attachment I have to them, even though some are just simple cards with less than two sentences. I’m unsure what to do. I feel guilty for tossing them, but I also need to declutter. Could you please help? What is the general rule for keeping received cards?
– Greeting Cards
Dear Greeting: There’s no wrong way to do this. Some people read the cards, appreciate the messages and throw them away. Others display the cards they receive for a week or two and then toss them. Others hold on to them forever. Personally, when it comes to holiday cards, I like to put them on the fridge and leave them up all year until they’re replaced by next year’s cards. (This is also a great way for me to discover I’ve fallen off of someone’s greeting card list.)
For many, it comes down to space constraints. So, if you find you’re holding on to cards that don’t have sentimental value and you want to declutter, perhaps set aside an afternoon to look at them again, receive the warm wishes again, and then throw them away, knowing they’ve done the job they set out to do. There’s no need to throw away cards that mean something to you, however. And, if they’re really creating a space issue, you can always take photos of them and throw away the originals, so you’ve got a digital copy forever.
Dear Eric: “Ticking Biological Clock” was 60 and wanted a baby. You suggested several things and quite a few alternatives, but one you missed is something that is probably present in many communities, the Foster Grandparent Program.
Apparently not only are there many children out there who either have no grandparents, or whose grandparents are very far away, even in a different country. Furthermore, apparently sometimes their parents long for this type of relationship and connection as well!
Tell him to look into the concept wherever he lives, and he might be absolutely thrilled!
– Also Considering It
Dear Considering: I believe you’re writing about the AmeriCorps Seniors Foster Grandparent Program, a wonderful initiative for volunteers 55 and older to spend 10 to 14 hours a week providing tutoring, mentorship and support to children in schools and community centers. Those interested can find more information at americorps.gov.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)