Dear Eric: First, let me admit I am not very social. I genuinely do not like to stand around chit-chatting, especially when I’m in the process of working on something.
I moved into a new neighborhood two years ago. I have spent that time working on re-doing the landscaping, both front and back yards – new flower beds, took out the lawns, put in raised beds, et cetera. My problem is people walking by who try to talk to me about what I’m doing and why. I’m not trying to be rude; these people are, for the most part, complimentary in their comments. But the thing is, I’m trying to work on my property in peace.
How can I nip these interactions in the bud?
Seriously, I know I’m anti-social. I do love my gardening, though, and when I’m out doing that, well, that’s what I want to do. Not talk to a neighbor about why I chose red peonies over pink. Help?
– Might Be a Jerk?
Dear Might Be: There’s nothing wrong with protecting your peace. Even though, as you acknowledge, there’s also nothing wrong with friendly, casual conversation with a neighbor, if it doesn’t bring you joy – or actively sours your mood – it’s fine to opt out.
Because making conversation about people’s gardens is often welcomed and encouraged, you may not have much success getting your neighbors to stop, short of posting a sign – “Please Do Not Disturb,” perhaps? However, a more frictionless option might be wearing earphones or earbuds while you work. You don’t even have to necessarily be listening to anything.
Just as a person working in a garden is often seen as someone open to being asked questions, a person listening to something on their headphones is often interpreted as someone who doesn’t want to be disturbed. It’s also easier for you to wave and return to work without seeming rude if you’re clearly otherwise engaged.
Even without props, however, I think it’s perfectly fine to let your neighbors know you appreciate their compliments, but you’re preoccupied by the task at hand. Try telling people, “not trying to be rude; just really focused at the moment. Have a great day!”
Dear Eric: I am a mahjongg instructor and enthusiast, and I run a mahjongg social at a public park. We have a group of anywhere from 20 to 50 players meet up and use tables reserved for our group. Everyone knows how to play, and we welcome all levels of players.
We do not, however, provide lessons, as it is a complex game to learn. A young woman approached me as the leader of the group and demanded to be placed at a table, although she did not know how to play. She had been playing a matching tile game on her phone which calls itself mahjongg but has nothing to do with the actual game of mahjongg, in either its Asian or American variants.
I told her I would be unable to place her, but she was welcome to observe, and I could provide information on where to take lessons. She said, “Well, that’s not very inclusive,” and became insistent that she could just sit down and “pick it up.” When I told her it was too complex to learn that way she began to berate me and ask me personal questions about whether I have ever been excluded. I referred her to the park staff who spoke to her.
When I left, I saw that she had bullied one of our players into giving her a free lesson. My question is, if she should come to our next session, how should I handle it? And does “inclusion” really extend to this situation?
– Odd One Out
Dear Out: This person was misusing terminology about inclusion to get what she wanted, which is not appropriate, nor does it serve anyone. However, to avoid similar situations, I think you should be clearer about what your policies are.
You write that you welcome all levels of players, so do you welcome beginners, or not? And what constitutes a beginner? If your group wants to set as a rule that everyone who joins has to first take a lesson, that should be the standard for everyone. This group is large enough that these kinds of guidelines are not only helpful, but necessary.
Put your head together with the other people who run this group and discuss what growth looks like for the group. Is there a desire to limit the size of the group? Are there steps to gaining entry? To whom should potential players submit their applications? Putting systems in place helps to standardize your practices. If you put them in writing – in print or online – it will also help you navigate future conversations with prospective players.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)