Dear Eric: I’ve been with my husband for 25 years. Twenty of those years I spent being a mother and a grandmother and a full-time employee. I had a nervous breakdown after my second child passed away from illness and I wanted to move away, but not with my husband. He insisted on coming. But ultimately, I did not find another position and ended up retiring.
We recently found out that my husband has been on the spectrum with Asperger‘s.
While I was busy living my life, it didn’t affect me as much that he’s unable to show affection or thought about anyone else, but now that we live together it’s bothering me. Plus, he was recently diagnosed with Parkinson’s. I just don’t want to be together. I’d rather be alone, but feel so guilty, wanting him to leave. I just don’t know what to do.
– Lonely But Not On My Own
Dear Lonely: It’s possible to process all of this with your husband, even though you have different communication styles. Seek out a couple’s therapist who has experience working with neurodivergent people.
It sounds like you’re still working through a heavy load of grief. That’s very understandable. But grief can often cloud our decision-making or lead us to solutions that don’t address the root issue.
I’m not saying that you have to stay with your husband. It’s not for me to say. But you may find yourself just as unhappy away from him as you are with him if you’re not also tending to your emotional health.
A therapist can help you both put words to your emotions and make plans for the future that keep you both safe, healthy and hopefully happier
Dear Eric: My husband and I have a blended family with five adult children between us. They all get along.
One of these “children” lives with anxiety (which all are sensitive to). However, on every visit, she demands that all of the attention be focused on her and her dramas at work, in relationships, in her health, her bodily functions and so on. When others try to divert the attention elsewhere, they are accused of not supporting her and she either storms off or dissolves in tears.
She is in therapy and on and off the appropriate medications, but she is completely unaware of her impact on others. Her dad has gently spoken to her about being more self-aware, and she then attacks him and says he never takes her side and melts down.
Then punishes him by icing him for weeks by not responding to his contacting her. What can we do to keep our gatherings warm and happy?
– Exhausted but Trying
Dear Trying: Since the conversation between her and her dad didn’t go over well, your husband might ask if this is a conversation they can have together with her therapist. Neither of them is feeling heard, but her response shuts down the possibility of moving past the miscommunication and finding a solution.
Some parts of her personality may just be things the family needs to accept. But, at the same time, she’s an adult and can withstand hearing feedback. A successful gathering depends on everyone bringing themselves and their self-awareness into the room. Tell your stepdaughter that you’re trying to make the gatherings successful for everyone and that you need her help to make that happen. If she can’t or won’t participate, then the gatherings may not be where she wants to be at this time.
Dear Eric: I really like my husband, however, when we go to bed at night and are reading next to each other, he is just constantly moving. Itching his beard, slowly rubbing his calf against his other knee so that his leg hair makes a strange noise (just… why?), and other random things.
He’s not normally a fidgeter, only at this one moment of the day.
He only responds to gentle requests by stopping for around 45 seconds, and if I ask more than once, he’s annoyed. Any advice?
– No Rest
Dear No Rest: It might be easiest to adjust your pre-bedtime rituals. It sounds like this fidgeting is his way of getting his body ready for bed. Who knows why any of us do the things we do. But his annoyance is likely coming from the fact that he doesn’t mean anything by it and it helps him relax.
That said, your annoyance is also valid. Everyone’s entitled to weird body stuff and everyone’s entitled to annoyance sometimes.
What happens if you read elsewhere before bed? Or he does? Try to experiment together with your pre-bed rituals, rather than forcing solutions that might not work for everyone. Framing any changes as experiments allows you both to report back on what you liked and didn’t like and go from there.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)