Dear Eric: I have been in recovery for alcohol addiction for almost 31 years. Needless to say, my life is wonderful and so good compared to those years when I was active in my addiction.
Recently I was with someone who knew me before recovery. In a room with people who really didn’t know me very well, she told the story about how I was drunk, in a blackout and stole something from someone. Now I don’t know if this even happened. However, I was so embarrassed and hurt by the fact that she would do this to me.
She is my dear friend, and we have been friends for more than 50 years. I am really upset enough about this to just want to end the friendship.
It’s really not the first time it’s happened. It seems to happen when we are with people who have just met me or just don’t know me very well. I would appreciate your thoughts on the matter.
– Not My Past
Dear Past: Congratulations on your years of sobriety. Your friend may consciously or subconsciously resent the new life you’ve made for yourself, especially if she felt she got the short end of the friendship stick during your active addiction. But, if those feelings exist, they’re on her side of the street.
Before you sever the friendship, have a conversation in which you explain what you felt hurt by and ask if she sees it the same way. She may not realize what she’s doing. If that’s the case, she should quickly apologize, acknowledge what she did that was hurtful and seek to make it right going forward. If she takes the position that it’s no big deal, however, you’re within your right to leave the past in the past, even if that means part of that past is your friendship.
Dear Eric: My sister and I were once best friends. She has a friend from high school who was also her best friend. This friend and I have always gotten along and enjoyed each other’s company.
The friendship has progressed, and my sister feels jealous and threatened by it. I live on the West Coast, and they live in the Midwest.
The friend has wanted to come visit me and has expressed the desire often. Now my sister is beside herself thinking this friend is trying to take her place. I have reassured her many times, that is not possible. Now my sister isn’t talking to me. What to do?
—Only One Sister
Dear Sister: It sounds like a visit might be in order for you. Your sister’s emotions are hers to manage, but you can give her a hand by talking this out in person. Jealousy is natural; we all feel it from time to time. But we have to be responsible for what we do with it. Is it reasonable for her to think she’s being replaced by her friend? No, but it speaks to some deeper insecurity or question she has about your relationship.
If you want to change things, you may have no choice but to show up and say, “I care about you, I feel hurt when you won’t talk to me. Can we get to the bottom of this?”
Dear Eric: This is the first time I have ever sounded in on a letter in your column but the one from “Not My Daughter” tipped the scales and I feel moved to share.
The writer, who described herself as disabled, was concerned about an upcoming visit from her terminally ill husband’s adult daughter. She states the daughter steals from their home and “has told my husband that she wants me to leave when she comes to visit”.
The writer was asking about secretly recording the daughter’s nasty comments and behavior. Eric, you were absolutely spot on to dissuade her from this potentially illegal method. However, I’d like to add that this behavior hints strongly of elder abuse and I’d ask if there is another trusted adult friend or family member (maybe even two or three others) she could invite to be present when the daughter arrives.
An advocate in the room might be just enough to curb the nasty comments and an extra set of eyes to curtail the stealing – it’s her home and there’s nothing illegal about having another someone else there as a witness. If hospice is involved, she can also ask a team member to be there to mediate and act on behalf of the husband. They are trained for issues much like this.
– Concerned Reader
Dear Reader: This is excellent advice, and I heartily agree. Moreover, having a friend or two or three in the home is going to provide more immediate support – and more potential remedies – than a recording would.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)