Dear Eric: Several years ago, I moved to the U.S. from Europe to marry my wife. Her father agreed to support us financially until my work authorization was approved. Around the time of the approval my wife suffered a severe mental health crisis and needed time to recover. My father-in-law hired a “life coach” and my wife and I worked with her to get our finances and household in order.
It took me longer to find a job than was agreed upon. My FIL demanded that I go home to Europe. I was told I would not be allowed to return home until I found a job.
The life coach told me my wife would be cut off financially if she allowed me back into our marital home.
Every time I came close to finding work my FIL raised the bar for what he expected of me.
I became angry about being forcibly separated from my wife as we loved each other very much and neither of us wanted to be apart, but she then broke up with me (I assume under the direction of the life coach).
Currently I am working and living with my parents back in Europe and I am considering taking legal action against my FIL and the life coach, but I fear that doing so will further alienate my wife.
I am still very angry but also aware that anger can cloud my judgment. Could there be any other course of action I could take that I am missing?
– A Lost Celt
Dear Celt: I doubt legal action would get you the results you want.
You and your wife were in vulnerable positions. What you needed was control over your own destiny. At this point, that control starts with choosing acceptance. If your wife is not open to online counseling or reconciliation with you, then you have to accept that the relationship has ended and give her the space she’s asking for.
This may be for the best for you as it’s hard, if not impossible, to build a marriage when a third party is making demands and telling you where you can and can’t go. This isn’t sustainable and, for it to work, you’d need to make your own decisions and act independently.
There were a lot of cooks in the proverbial kitchen, with a life coach, a father-in-law and the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services. Right now, step away from the stove. Work on healing and determining what you need going forward.
Dear Eric: My beloved husband of 22 years is seriously ill with a poor prognosis, and
is concerned about leaving money to his four children from a previous marriage.
When we met, “Mike” had been divorced for five years. I had wealth; Mike had a great job with a secure pension for his life, and also a lot of debt. Essentially, no net worth. I did not mind paying everything off.
We also helped his children and grands financially and were generous with gifts. It is a wonderful marriage. He is my best friend, ever. I will be devastated to lose him.
There is no money to give his four adult children after he passes. He has no life insurance. I would have to withdraw from my retirement account, which is modest now.
I would have liked to be close with his kids, but they are not warm. Since their father got sick, things have been more strained. All four have undermined their dad’s confidence in his doctors and in my care for him.
One called me evil and said that I have not cared for him properly. My husband told them all directly that but for my care, he would not even be alive. He is doing much better at present, but the prognosis is dire.
After that sad future day comes, I am strongly disinclined to withdraw what I will need to give to people who do not like me. For Mike’s sake, I am considering doing just that, anyway. His kids have no idea that although their dad made good money, he had none set aside.
I appreciate your advice.
– Can’t Help but Think Ahead
Dear Think Ahead: I implore you not to imperil your financial security in order to leave money to your stepchildren. They are responding unfairly – perhaps partially out of grief. I say this with kindness; you may also be responding out of grief. But this money won’t heal the part of you that’s been hurt by them.
Mike needs to tell his children about his finances and help them manage their expectations about what he’s going to leave them. And he should do that now, on his own. You and he should also talk with a lawyer to make sure your plans are clear, and you’re protected.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)