Dear Eric: As kids we went to the cemeteries with our parents and grandparents every year before Memorial Day. There are three cemeteries with family members, and I remember all of us working on each plot every year – planting flowers, digging, weeding then going out for lunch. All this takes preparation then daily/weekly care.
Now our parents and grandparents and others are buried, and I am the only one of the five kids who decorates and cares for the graves. My kids and their spouses and children joined my wife and I to prepare the sites and planted some perennials. Now the sites still need hanging plants and other flowers and watering often and weeding occasionally. This happens every year. It sure makes me sad to go there and see nothing has been done except by me.
I guess I don’t feel I should have to ask for help. It is expensive and time consuming. We sure would love to see flourishing plants and no weeds.
– Tired of Tending
Dear Tired: This is a beautiful tradition for these sites of memory, and it clearly holds a lot of meaning for you. It’s great that you’ve involved your children and grandchildren, as well, to keep the tradition alive.
Sometimes, when we have a need that’s gone unmet, the only way forward is to ask for it. So, while you shouldn’t have to ask for help, doing so may ease your stress. It may also alert your siblings to an opportunity for service that has slipped their minds. While this is a longstanding tradition in your family, it’s possible it doesn’t hold the same weight for your siblings as it does for you. So, talking to them about what it means to you and asking for their support could be an invitation for them to dig deeper, as it were.
Now, when you do this, you should also be prepared for the possibility that the extensive work you do planting and maintaining the plots isn’t something that they want to take on. They may prefer a more trimmed back horticultural plan. Everyone commemorates their loved ones in different ways. Try to be open to smaller tasks that they might take on as well.
Dear Eric: I’m lucky enough to have parents in their 80s in pretty good health and who are celebrating their 60th anniversary next month. The issue is that they want to celebrate it on my birthday. The expectation is that I drive two hours to celebrate them all day, doing whatever they ask of me then drive two hours to go home.
Their actual anniversary is a few days before my birthday and they don’t see an issue that I’d like to have my birthday acknowledged (ideally, I could make plans myself). This is not the first time they have hijacked my birthday (or any other day) and will get extremely upset (borderline abusive) when I say I want their party to be on another day. I feel like a prisoner, but they are 80. Do I just suck it up and lose another birthday? I feel like I don’t matter.
– Middle Child
Dear Middle Child: Sixty years of marriage is a significant, and rare, milestone, one that ought to be celebrated. Initially I thought, “What’s stopping this letter writer from sharing the birthday and being with family?” But there are parts of this letter that make me concerned this issue is about more than just what your plans are.
For instance, you write that your parents have become borderline abusive when you’ve pushed back on plans before. You write that you feel like a prisoner. So, this isn’t just a case of an overcrowded family calendar. There’s something amiss in your relationship.
I’m curious where your other siblings are in this. I’m curious what you’d like to do on your birthday and ways that your family might make you feel special, even if you did do the actual celebration on another day.
If this is bothering you this much, it’s worth saying something to your parents about it. Even if you’re still planning to come to help them celebrate, you can and should speak up beforehand about what you need. If it feels to you that they’ve hijacked your birthday, explore that and try to find what can be remedied by them and what’s yours to work through.
Most importantly, keep yourself safe. If your relationship with your parents is contentious or abusive, you don’t have to go. Or you can set a limit for how long you’re going to stay. And no matter how long you stay (if you go at all), make sure you do something special for yourself, with people you like and who value you. Even if it’s not on your actual birthday, make time to show up for yourself.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)