Dear Eric: My youngest son is in his mid-40s. He had some heavy mental issues a few years ago and moved back home to our basement.
Prior to the breakdown his wife left him, he lost a job he loved and soon he started dating Leslie. She became pregnant and our beautiful granddaughter was born but passed at two months and two days from SIDS. Our hearts were and are still broken.
After our granddaughter was born they kept her in the hospital NICU because she was going through withdrawals from Adderall.
When he moved in Leslie was not part of the deal, but she is now and I’m not sure what to do. She loves our son and he seems to love her, but she is very arrogant and argumentative toward me and my husband. I do blame her for my grandchild suffering from withdrawals, but not for her death.
I have never spoken those words to her, and I do try to be pleasant when she is present. We are non-smokers and so is my son, but Leslie smokes and that has been a great point of contention. I have no qualms speaking my mind when it comes to not smoking in my house or even in my yard, I do not want to smell or see cigarette butts all over the place.
She said I was being unreasonable to expect her to leave the yard to smoke. I told her my yard, my rules and that she was free to leave and smoke until she couldn’t see if that was what she wanted.
My son does not get involved in anything I say, he is very grateful to us, because he knows he would be out on the street if not for us. Am I wrong in the way I deal with Leslie?
– At a Loss for Directions
Dear Directions: You’re not wrong. You’re asking Leslie to respect your home and property, which you’re graciously opening up to her. I don’t see any mention of rent here, but even if she is paying rent, you have every right to communicate your needs and expectations.
If she was renting from a stranger, they very well might put the same restrictions on smoking in their place. It’s not uncommon.
I suspect that the whole family unit is feeling the stress of grieving, recovering and cohabitating. There’s probably also some anger there, on your part and maybe on hers. There’s nothing wrong with having these emotions. It’ll help everyone to have conversations about the logistics of living together and the feelings underneath. I’d suggest, if possible, doing so with a family therapist or a grief counselor. None of you has to go through this alone. Processing what’s happened and what’s happening, will make these smaller issues more manageable.
Dear Eric: My niece is bright, successful and an incredibly hard worker. Her father died unexpectedly when she was in her teens, and she has never really recovered, in my opinion. My sister-in-law, her mother, never remarried, worked three jobs and took care of her mother. Frankly, her devotion to her own mother bordered on obsessiveness.
My sister-in-law is 79 and has had enough health issues that her kids (she has a son, too) are now helping her financially to move her into a “senior living” facility, though it’s really for assisted living/Alzheimer’s patients.
She feels she’s been dumped there. She’s still sharp, although she is prone to pneumonia. She claims she’s “being funny” when asking her daughter and son-in-law if they’re going away on weekends to avoid her. It ends up in a huge blowout, with my niece blasting her for not appreciating all they’ve done for her. The mom then says, “I don’t think you like me,” and the daughter responds, “I don’t!”
I’ve asked my sister-in-law why she’ll ask her daughter questions like that, knowing how volatile she can be. Her answer is “I knew you’d say that.”
It seems such an obvious solution. But should I just back off?
– Witnessing the Car Crash
Dear Witnessing: Backing off is absolutely your best bet for now. This dynamic between mother and daughter seems rooted in personality mismatches, unprocessed grief and probably some valid grievances. Somebody has got to move out of their defensive crouch, whether it’s the mother asking a question in a different way, or the daughter choosing empathy over frustration. You can, of course, suggest it to your sister-in-law, but it seems she’s not yet open to it.
And why would she be? Yes, her daughter has done a lot for her, but she’s still hurt right now and feeling a loss of connection to her life and her own autonomy. I wish your niece would give her a little more grace. Actually, I wish there was more grace all-around.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)