Dear Eric: I became friends with one of my oldest and closest friends when we were 9 years old.
In the last three years, it has been nearly impossible to see her. I routinely sent her text messages and voicemails asking if she wanted to get together. I finally resorted to sending her a message on Facebook.
I was very surprised with her response that came several days later. She said that I had not responded to a text a few years ago when she asked if we could get dinner and didn’t think that I valued her friendship, and therefore she wasn’t going to put energy into it, because it was very painful for her.
I was baffled, sent her screenshots of my text messages asking when we could get together, call logs of unanswered and unreturned phone calls, invitations to events she didn’t respond to, and apologized if she felt that I had not prioritized her as a friend. She never responded.
On her 40th birthday, I sent her a brief text message wishing her a joyful year ahead and said that I knew things were uneasy between us and I would really love a chance to sit down together and have a conversation to repair the friendship. She has not responded. Friends are beginning to plan my 40th birthday celebration and I have opted not to include her as a guest, out of respect for her feelings.
My husband feels that this is profoundly the wrong thing to do, and that if anything, I should send her the invitation and give her a phone call letting her know that I would really appreciate the chance to get together.
What is the right thing to do in this situation?
– Broken Friendship
Dear Friendship: The safest thing is to invite her to the party. But the safe bet may not be the best bet for you. You’ve reached out multiple times in various forms and also apologized for something that seems more like a narrative she invented.
It’s normal for friendships to experience different seasons, especially as the complications of raising children, work and distance make time scarcer. It seems she’s being awfully ungenerous to you.
If you invite her to your 40th, you may be setting yourself up for another disappointment. Whereas, if you and your friend are able to reconnect at another time, she can join you at future birthdays, without the tension hanging over everything.
Dear Eric: I am 66 and live by myself. I feel so alone. I took care of my husband for 18 year so there wasn’t much time to make friends. How or where do I start to find friends?
– Wanting Company
Dear Company: Start with what you enjoy. What hobbies or activities pique your interest? You can do a general search or look on sites like Meetup to get started. Or try something new. Explore something you’ve never thought about before. Take a tap dance class or a pottery course; join a book club.
Reach out to your local senior center, the AARP, or YMCA to see what they’re offering. Something as simple as a meal or a movie night can introduce you to new people.
Many readers have also written about the community they find at places like The Villages (vtvnetwork.org), which is a network designed to help elders age in place through activities, volunteer opportunities and logistical support like rides.
Dear Eric: I recently attended a concert where the audience sat for most of the concert and stood up for three or four songs.
However, the person directly in front of me stood up for the entire concert, completely blocking my view.
When I informed the person that they were ruining my experience, the person told me it was their right to stand.
I asked an usher for help, but they refused to step in.
Do you think it is appropriate for someone to be so inconsiderate? What is the correct etiquette at a concert?
– No View of the Stage
Dear Stage: Concerts are a rare social space where it’s appropriate, even encouraged to stand if you can and want to. That doesn’t negate your right to enjoy yourself, too. But it might require some creativity. Is it possible to ask a nearby stander if you can switch places or ask an usher if you can move to a different seat.
There are plenty of places where standing is going to be a no-go. I can’t imagine standing through “Hamlet” unless I’m at the Old Globe, for instance. Stravinsky’s “Rite of Spring” may have originally incited a riotous response, but people generally sit for it nowadays. However, depending on the type of music and the vibe of the concert, it may be necessary to find an alternative to ensure maximum enjoyment.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)