Dear Eric: I have to work with a very arrogant person, and it is hard to manage his dismissive attitude and grumpy remarks.
The thing is, I am paying him to do work on my home. He is a talented and skilled person, but his personality is very off-putting as he seems to honestly believe he is the smartest person in the room, which is ridiculous.
He acts like everyone else is stupid but him. Although he doesn’t actually directly call me or anyone else stupid, his attitude says it clearly. Consequently, I dread dealing with him, but I do need his help right now.
How do you deal with someone who isn’t directly calling you a moron but acts like you are one?
I have come to believe he actually thinks he is being polite and helpful when his demeaning and rude dismissiveness is what is actually coming across.
– Respect, Please
Dear Respect: You may not be able to change this guy’s personality – which may be predisposed to arrogance and dismissiveness – but you can give him some constructive criticism relating to how the two of you interact.
Try to pick one or two things that you’ve noticed repeatedly and address them specifically, rather than talking to him about his general demeanor. It is easier to get defensive and dismissive about broad statements. Instead, try saying something like, “I want to give you some feedback about our working relationship, if you’re open to it. I’d like to be able to communicate clearly so the project is successful. When I hear things like [here you’d insert a specific example], it sounds dismissive to me. Instead, if you’re giving me an update on the work, could you phrase it like this instead?” Adjust the language to suit your style, of course. The goal is to bridge the gap between intention and impact.
Working relationships thrive on communication, so it’s good to ask for what you need and to offer solutions for parts of the relationship that aren’t working for you. I hope he’s receptive and communicates his needs clearly back to you. If he’s not, he may not be the best person for the job.
Dear Eric: To your excellent reply to “Leftovers, Anyone?”, who was a bit unsettled over her daughter-in-law’s Friendsgiving meal mirroring her own Thanksgiving, I have a suggestion. My wife and I are the eldest of our extended family and often host Thanksgiving. This year, with my wife recovering from surgery, we had a dish-to-pass non-traditional meal, where I cooked the main entree (grilled dry-rub flank steak) and everyone brought a side dish or dessert. We all had a great family time, and no one complained about the lack of turkey!
– No Turkey, Still Great
Dear Still Great: I love a potluck holiday! Many hands make light(er) work.
Dear Eric: Librarian here, replying to “Deleted Post”, whose son got angry about a parent posting news about the letter writer posting a photo of the son’s wedding to social media. The letter writer wrote, “I feel bad because my son seems to feel he can forbid me from sharing this news with my friends.”
I have noticed that many people default to “owning” their social media accounts and therefore the right to post whatever they like. Friends and family members will take photos, or, sometimes worse, be browsing their old files and snap a pic of an ancient photo and share it online.
Enthusiastic and informed consent is the way to go here. Show the people in the photo the photo first. Before you post, ask, “Do you mind if I post this on [this platform]”? Every. Single. Time.
You don’t own their faces. There are lots of reasons someone might not want a photo posted, ranging from it simply being an unflattering shot, to future employers Googling their name, through to hiding from an abusive ex or being in witness protection.
Even with privacy settings locked down, the Terms of Use that we all click “agree” to, usually without reading, give the online platform free range of whatever you post. The landscape is entirely different. The way we post and share must be, too.
– Social Media Caution
Dear Caution: This is an important reminder for everyone. When it comes to someone’s digital footprint, it’s always better to ask permission than to ask for forgiveness after posting. And when it comes to sharing personal news online, it’s best to ask oneself, “whose news is this?” If it’s your news, you can share it. If it’s someone else’s news, even if that person is a child or close relative, get their OK. Or better yet, let them share it and follow their lead.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)