Dear Eric: A group of seven elders – men and women, ages 60 to 90 – have gotten together once a week to play poker at my unit in our condo building for almost two years. As my husband and I are the only couple, we provide the food, set up the game with chips. My husband is disabled and an introvert, so this is the only way that entertaining works for us.
We eat, play, tell jokes (sometimes adult jokes). We have such a good time every week.
Last Saturday, “Martha” decided to stop us from telling jokes. She yelled out “enough is enough!” We were totally shocked.
My husband gently asked her if it offended her; she said “no, but enough is enough.”
The game broke up and everyone went home. We felt angry. It’s our house and they are our guests. How dare she do that?
I stopped inviting her; no apology, no remorse from her. She always tended to put me down. I can endure that, but putting my guests and my husband through this embarrassment is too much. Are we too tough?
– Party Host
Dear Host: As hosts, you’re endeavoring to create a space that’s welcoming and fosters connection. Those things depend upon good communication. Of course, if a guest is made uncomfortable by something at a gathering, from conversational content to food to other guests, a good host is going to hear them when they express it and try to make a change.
But from your telling, Martha didn’t give you much of anything to work on. It’s hard to tell if there was some offense that she didn’t want to explain or if she was just feeling cantankerous. Or something else entirely. But your response isn’t too tough.
If you have a desire to close this loop, you can reach out to Martha one-on-one. Try saying something like, “I wanted to talk to you about what happened at the poker game the other day. Could you tell me more about what was frustrating you?”
You may not feel compelled to change the way the group plays just to suit her. But what she says can give you more insight and with that insight you can decide on the best path forward for your friendship. It may be that she’s had enough of the poker group and so it’s just not a good match anymore.
Dear Eric: My husband and I have been together for 11 years. He has one daughter, 43, with two young children I adore and have been close to until last summer when the volcano erupted.
Since the beginning of our relationship, I have made every effort to be loving and generous to his daughter. She acts entitled and ungrateful to me.
It’s my fault for not standing up for myself early in my joining the family. For example, I wish to be thanked for gifts, babysitting, making holidays happen, having them over for dinner, and so on.
She doesn’t seem to care about me at all. Her father will not stand up to her and seems scared of her.
Last summer I blew up at her in a text and let her know how I feel about her behavior.
I called her a manipulative user and let her know my truth which is certainly not her truth. I apologized twice in two letters for being so harsh, but she will not forgive me, allow a repair, or let me see the grandkids. Her father will not help. This is hurting our marriage.
I miss the little ones terribly and cried for months about this. Yes, I am in therapy and hoping my husband will go to couples counseling together. Funny, he is a psychotherapist. I would be most appreciative if you can offer us your help.
– Missing Family
Dear Family: Ask yourself what you have the power to change and what you need to accept, even if you don’t like it.
For instance, you probably should accept that the relationship with your husband’s daughter is not serving either one of you right now. And it’s probably because her relationship with your husband is not healthy. It’s likely that some of the frustration you’re feeling stems from a desire to change something that’s outside of your control.
You write that your husband won’t help you. If you want him to compel his daughter to accept your apology, that might not actually be useful. Unfortunately, even though your relationship with the grandkids was, perhaps, healthy, the other relationships supporting it are less so.
So, what can you change? Well, you’re doing the most important first step by working on yourself in therapy. If your husband won’t go to couples counseling (which he should), ask him why and ask him how he proposes to help you both communicate better.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)