Dear Eric: One of my husband’s son’s is going through an ongoing divorce, many years.
A few years ago, he started storing equipment, tools, bikes, and more in our garage, attic, shed and basement. Our garage is packed to the ceiling, and we cannot use it for many of our own things. We felt badly for him when he first told us of his “plight”, and we said he
could store some things. He usually waits to bring more things in when I am not home.
It has now gotten a bit over the top. He is going to be leaving his “marital” home and possibly will have “more stuff.” He has other family and friends whom he can ask, but we seem to be the local storage unit. He is a good, thoughtful guy and not a “kid”.
I reminded my husband that this is our house, not a storage unit and there are plenty of suitable storage places in our area. My husband seems perfectly OK with this.
– Packed to the Rafters
Dear Rafters: Your husband’s son needs to get a storage unit (and possibly a more expedient divorce attorney). His life may be marked by upheaval because of the divorce, but it would be wise for him to figure out a feasible plan for his belongings. It sounds like he has a significant amount of stuff. He may need to downsize. He has options, but you and your husband might have to force the issue.
You write that your husband seems OK with everything. It’s time to have a clear conversation about your differences. Reiterate that this is not the way you want to live, ask him if he can understand where you’re coming from, and then get his take on it. If he thinks it’s no big deal, ask him to say more about that. And then see if you both can come up with a solution that works for both of you.
Maybe it’s reclaiming one of the zones – leaving the son the attic, shed and basement, but taking back the garage. Or maybe it’s a full-scale eviction. See what works for both of you, but don’t accept any more stuff.
Dear Eric: I have a childhood friend with whom I have remained friends, even though we have mostly lived in different states as adults. We are now in our early 60s.
We continue to travel together often but over the last several years I find it difficult because he is very controlling, sometimes rude, and just very, very chatty.
Our wives are close and enjoy each other‘s company very much. He is very good at planning trips, but he is also a little selfish regarding that. He must get the best room, be first, etc. He also nonstop talks about everything he’s doing.
I’ve traveled with other people and it’s much more pleasant and enjoyable. If I were to stop traveling with him completely, it would definitely cause a rift in the friendship. But it bothers me when he always maneuvers things so that he is in a better position even if it’s to other’s detriment.
I may be overreacting. Not sure if I should say something to him or just let it be and try not to let it bother me. My wife indicated she’s tired of me talking about it so I’m definitely not going to say anything further to her, even though it bothers her, too. Any advice?
– Travel Fatigue
Dear Travel: Pick one concrete habit of your friend’s that bothers you and talk to him about it. Often, when friendships have run their course, or when changes in the lives of longtime friends start to misalign with changes in our lives, every single thing they do can start to grate on our nerves. It becomes easy, even attractive, to just lump all their behavior together. The result is that every little slight becomes representative of the whole constellation of slights, annoying habits, and bad acts.
Choosing one thing that makes it hard for you to enjoy traveling with him will help you focus and may make some of his other traits less annoying.
Let’s take, for instance, the always maneuvering to be in a better position. What would you prefer in this situation? Do you feel you’re getting the short end of the stick? Are there things he can do to help you get in a better position, also? When you talk to him, don’t just come with complaints, come with compromises, too. “I’ve noticed that when we travel this thing happens; I’d like it if we could do this instead. Is that possible?” You may find, however, that your travel styles have simply changed too much, and the best compromise may be finding an alternative way to connect without stepping on each other’s toes.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)