Dear Eric: My daughter-in-law decided a few years back to have a Friendsgiving dinner which she hosts a couple of weekends before Thanksgiving. She invites her family (as her mom has never done Thanksgiving) and then a bunch of her and my son’s friends.
In my mind I know this shouldn’t bother me, but it does. I waited my “turn” growing up and having a family and to be the one to host Thanksgiving (my parents have both passed as has my husband’s mom) and now I have my own grandchildren.
We still do the whole Thanksgiving dinner, but I don’t feel it is as special as it was because now everyone has already had the traditional Thanksgiving meal that previously we only had that one time a year.
She always says “oh y’all are welcome to come, too,” but I just can’t get into it and feel resentment that I waited all the years to be the grandma to host the meal and now it is like feeding everyone leftovers.
Can you give me another way to look at this or some advice that will make me not as resentful about it?
– Leftovers Anyone?
Dear Leftovers: This might be a cold comfort, but in my book, nothing hits better than a plate of Thanksgiving leftovers the next day. The way that you have to microwave it strategically so that the sweet potatoes don’t become lava while the turkey gravy stays cold: an art form! Your mileage may vary, but the people around your table probably don’t mind having a similar meal twice in one month. They might even enjoy it.
More importantly, remember that your daughter-in-law’s Friendsgiving and your Thanksgiving serve different but equally important purposes. And neither is really about food.
It sounds like she’s trying to create a gathering that she lacked growing up, while keeping the actual holiday as a special time to be with you. Meanwhile, you’re reaching for a sense of tradition that was passed down to you, perhaps even as a badge of honor. These are both great aims and they’re not in competition.
Because what you both want is to have the people that you love around you. That’s a gift that you get to give yourselves and each other. Focus on that, and on how lucky you are to get to see each other. It’ll make the similarity of the menus seem like a delicious afterthought.
Dear Eric: Our son and his girlfriend of 24 years got married by a judge. It was a civil ceremony necessary to get him on her health insurance.
He approached my wife and me and said, “we’re not into social media.” I did not glean from this that he meant we should post nothing at all.
To share the good news with my friends, I did post one photo. Late the next night he texted us to take it down, saying “we asked you directly not to do this.” I replied, I’m sorry, I didn’t understand that I was not to post anything at all.
I feel bad because my son seems to feel he can forbid me from sharing this news with my friends. Many are longtime friends from church who have known my son for decades. It seems to me a little pushy for him to forbid me to share with my friends what I feel is good news. He seems to want to downplay it.
Should I not have made the post and leaned more toward caution? Should I have interpreted “we’re not into social media” differently? I welcome your advice about how to perceive this situation and where to go from here.
– Deleted Post
Dear Post: Not to split hairs, but I quibble with your son’s statement that he asked you directly not to post. He actually didn’t ask you anything and the statement could be interpreted all kinds of ways. So, your confusion is understandable.
Given that, posting, as you did, isn’t an unreasonable action. However, I’d be careful not to make too much of his request (or demand) that you take the photos down.
Yes, you are sharing with your friends, and you have a right to tell them good news, but the internet is not a closed lot and so sharing a photo on social media has a different potential impact than verbally telling a friend or even, say, including the news in a holiday card or letter.
Once a photo is uploaded, there’s no telling what life it will take on. Even if that life is innocuous, it’s fair for your son and daughter-in-law to want to have a say over what happens to images of their faces and their wedding day. You did the right thing by deleting it. Consider the whole thing water under the bridge.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)