Dear Eric: My daughter-in-law’s mother asked my girlfriend to make a dessert for another daughter’s bridal shower. My girlfriend made a tray of lemon bars, so it wasn’t a huge undertaking for her.
The issue is that my girlfriend was not invited to the shower. She never charges people for when she makes desserts since she loves to bake. Are we being too sensitive because she did not receive an invitation, but was asked to provide dessert?
– Take Away Baking
Dear Baking: It’s not overly sensitive but I wonder what the narrative about all of this is from the daughter-in-law’s mother’s perspective. It’s odd, I think, to have someone in her life from whom she feels comfortable asking for free desserts but doesn’t feel compelled to invite. It suggests that your girlfriend is being taken advantage of, but it also could just as easily indicate that the mother in question has a skewed view of their relationship. Sometimes when people love to bake (or to help out in other ways), others take that love as a license to overuse them. At the very least, I hope the mother sent a thank you note, but payment would have been most appropriate.
The best way to heal bruised feelings around this is for your girlfriend to talk to the mother and tell her she would have liked to have been invited. There are a lot of other questions that this brings up. Does she actually know the daughter whose bridal shower it was, for instance? All this can get hashed out in a calm conversation between them. It’s probably best that they talk directly.
No one can go back and redo the event but understanding where each other is coming from will help smooth things over between your girlfriend and the mother.
Dear Eric: As we approach the holidays, I am faced with a dilemma. A few individuals on my Christmas card list suffered the devastating loss of a spouse in the past couple of years. It seems perverse to send a card wishing them a joyous holiday as I know that they are grieving. I wonder if you have any suggestions for how to send tactful and respectful holiday greetings to these individuals.
– Grief and Greetings
Dear Greetings: The holidays bring up a myriad of emotions for many people. Even without devastating loss, some people can feel grief, loneliness and longing, alongside joy, love and nostalgia. That’s why I tend to like a personalized message, if time and personal capacity allow. Even a simple “You’re on my mind and I’m grateful to know you” can mean a lot.
Consider a holiday card that is blank inside. This will allow you to say what’s on your heart without worrying that a pre-printed message might seem tactless. At the same time, try not to be overly cautious or tiptoe around the facts of people’s lives. Sometimes, when we’re grieving, what we crave the most and get the least is a sense of normalcy. So, you need not treat them with kid gloves or avoid acknowledging the light and the darkness at this time of year.
All that to say, your friends’ lives have changed dramatically. It’s right and kind to acknowledge that. It’s also right and kind to wish them joy. It’s out there for them, too, and perhaps that’s something they’re looking for, especially this time of year.
Dear Eric: There is a column about a person’s father who likes to complain at restaurants (“Out to Eat”). My father is very similar and says the same thing about the restaurant wanting feedback, but he does it in a disrespectful way toward the servers.
What I do when my dad goes to a restaurant with me is call ahead to the restaurant and speak to the manager or send an email explaining what they can anticipate from my dad.
I’m not sure what they do in the background, but I notice that they typically assign a server who is experienced with diners like this. If my dad leaves a small tip, I will pretend to go to the bathroom and give the server some additional money to make up the difference.
Unfortunately, having a direct conversation with my dad is not an option, but I do think this approach for the person seeking advice might help, especially in her small town.
I hope this helps!
– Polite Diner
Dear Diner: I like this as a potential work-around, if conversation with the father isn’t an option. In my many years working in the restaurant industry, I encountered all sorts of people and temperaments. It’s not always possible to accommodate everyone, but getting a heads-up can, as you point out, help a restaurant set their staff up for success.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)